Thursday, 18 November 2010

Sentimental Moment

This isn't written about anyone, just something I wish would happen really....
An inner love I wish to find?

Captivated by your eyes,
Mesmerized by your smile.
Then your lips part, and the words you spoke were like a lullaby to my soul.
It now echoes in my head, it's on loop.
All I think about, all I dream of is you.
Your soft hand upon my cheek.
Your embrace pulling me in towards a comfort I would never want to be parted from.
I feel your chest against mine,
Our heart beats in sync.
You stroke my hair behind my ear,
And look deep into my eyes.
Tell me I'm yours.
Say you'll save me.
Whisper you love me...

Wow.... A little girly/gay moment!? Laugh, I'll stab you... (and she's back) x

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Written Thought

(I realise this sounds like a sort of poem, but its more like my internal monologue)

Get out of here and get out of you head. Though it's hard to forget, for now push it aside. Have fun, try and find that smile once more, do it for you. No one deserves to feel all this! It's painful and shit. But 'they' say you've got to break before you can begin to heal. But I'm past broken, I think I'm incomplete, because this piece of me, in my hands, on my sleeve, was ready for you to take. But he went off to the arms of another - like they all do.
Now it wont stop bleeding. My heart is refusing to heal.
The misery is numbing me till I feel nothing, but it never really goes, it rushes back with pins and needles stabbing in my chest, I can't breathe!
I wish I could go back to the time I kept my heart closed. Those days when I didn't let my guard down, because all I've ever gotten from doing that is agony.
I'm not saying it was love, I'm saying the process... The time you start to fall. That's when things went wrong for me. Because love is a trap! And I wasn't prepared! You think you'll be immune to it, but you forget - Love is a fucking disease!!
Now I'm falling apart, a girl once so strong - I don't know her anymore. I lost her when I opened up.
I'm sitting here, motionless, drained... Broken. I can't even begin to fix me, I wouldn't know where to start. Can't I just leave my heart and mind? I don't want to think anymore and I definitely don't want to feel anymore. I just want to sleep. But this endless nightmare engulfs me... I wake up and it hasn't gone! It's a living, breathing insomnia because I'm trapped within it, it's becoming me!
So I'll head out with my favorite mask. Let the questions go unanswered, because they never get asked. You'll never ask, you'll never know, you'll never care with this 'smile' across my face. It does hurt to pretend, but they never take the time to see the torment in my eyes.
I hide within this shell that people seem to like. But they know nothing of the real haunted girl inside. I be who they want me to be. If I let go of this persona I have created, I would be alone and that really scares me! But that means I can never truly be loved or be happy till i let the real me through.
Sit. Still. Sob. Silence.
Let it out, let her free, pull her back, put on the mask. Shut up and build that wall back up. Shut yourself in again. Try and forget and carry on as if nothing happened. Then if they ask, I'll reply:
I'm fine.
Begin the lie once more...

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Keeping it in...

As someone of, or all of you should know. I'm not one of those people that likes to show emotion, and I'm usually very good at it. I've been a bottler for a very long time, I've had time to practice, it's not healthy and I don't suggest people do it, I've been depressed for over 5 years now and bottling has not helped. Fair enough it's gotten me friends and things like that.... Believe me, if I showed how I was really feeling all the time, people would think twice before coming over to talk to me. That's why I will say that the only thing I'm actually very good at is acting, I've acted happy in front of people for a long time, and I can honestly say I think there are only 2 or 3 people who actually know many private things about me!
So I feel like I need to write things down more, get things out. I would love it if people gave me things to write about. Message me or something.
Right now I have something SO bad going through my mind and I need to take my mind off of it, before I lose it!!! And that wont be pretty. But what? I was thinking a while ago to get on youtube, I have an account and things I'm sure I could rant about. But it could be more embarrassing, no one would watch it.... Just like no one reads this really.
I don't have something interesting to say really do I!!!
Which is why I need you help..... Give me something to do, something to stop me thinking about stuff I would much rather forget, let me start thinking about things you want me to think about, things that interest you!!!

Tuesday, 28 September 2010


Respect! I'd love to have it, I love writing and one person who was awesome at writing and gaining was Oscar Wilde!! I LOVE HIM!!!!
For many reasons, he was hilarious, he was married yet he was gay (which he was put on trail for), in looks he really reminds me of Stephen Fry (who i also love), he wrote amazing plays e.g. A woman of no importance and then there is Dorian Gray... Awesome novel, and his only!
So this is a little blog for him and just some of his quotes! He lives on!!

"Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you."

Things we own do not make who we are, they do not define us, and people that define us by those things are shallow and we should have no part with them. Wilde was showing that the things that make you rich in life, make you special is what you have in you heart.

"Most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."
This is so true there are so many things that people begin to regret, like i regret not going to uni and oh my god... so many other things - But I'll never regret my mistakes as i have learnt so much from them! As we all have I'm sure.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. "
This links to the quote above, i learn most from my mistakes more than i learnt at school.... Though education did help - but life and living is the worlds best teacher!

The past is of no importance. The present is of no importance. It is with the future that we have to deal. For the past is what man should not have been. The present is what man ought not to be. The future is what artists are."
No need to comment this... I just agree! Lol.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
This I'm not sure I believe?! I have many guy mates that I haven't had any really strong feelings for... But in Wilde's day its was odd to find a
man and woman just friends.

Lord Illingworth: All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
Mrs. Allonby: No man does. That is his.
I'll leave you with this one, I didn't believe this - I'm not really like my mum, but yesterday I started doing things she does, like snorting when I laugh and spilling food on me. Must stop doing that!

Who are your favorite writers?

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Alison who?

So I seem to be a pretty popular person right? I'm happy, bubbly, friendly, kind... blah blah blah!
And yeah I am, to an extent... That extent = Ally Mac! A nice little persona I created at school, someone I could hide into and people could like, the outward person who doesn't care what people say to me, do to me or think of me.
But the truth is, I do care!!! I fucking care a lot!
I care that I'm having such a hard time at the moment and very limited people are there for me after I've been there for so many of you that have needed somebody!
I care that I invited all the people I know and love and thought knew and loved me to my week 21st celebrations and about 10 people showed! There were 7 fucking events people!
I care that I have shown people I am there by texting them and no one seems to respond!
I care that I sit here crying every night about things I cant control and no one even bothers to check and see I'm still breathing!
I care that I have cared for everyone to the point where I forgot about all my own needs, I push everything aside to help you, and when I'm there needing some one your off the fucking map!
I care a lot!
You.... Everyone, I care!
Caring = feelings, feelings = emotion.. Emotion = heart!
And every time you all forget that I care, that I feel, that I have emotions. You break my heart! I've come to the point where I cant care anymore!
But do you know what I don't care about, the same thing you don't care about.... Me!

That person I created for all of you to feel how I wanted to feel, for you to feel like there is always someone to be there for you, she's gone. She's done caring! I'm not Ally Mac anymore.
I'm back to the person I hate. I'm Alison.
"You seen Alison?"
"Who's Alison?"
Exactly! Who is Alison MacGillivray, the character you all killed off when Ally Mac arrived. The person I tried to kill off, the person I am!
You don't know her, I don't even know her!
You wouldn't want to. She's shy, and scared and full of pain. Pain you all inflicted on her when you forgot to care. When you went on going on with your own lives after you took all you could from her. And you didn't even notice. You still won't I bet.
You can mention Ally Mac. But until I can sort myself out.... She's gone! Alison is back. I'm back to the fat, ugly, no-one that nobody actually cares about. You don't care about me because your not bothering to find out who I am, what's underneath.
I'm not happy, I haven't been for a very long while.
This isn't a cry for help - I just thought it was time people knew that I'm sick of caring and having no-one care back. So many of you say you care, to be nice. And you do nothing about it. I do understand there is a few of you that do care and do help and I thank you.
This may seem like a slap in the face to a lot of you. And usually I would say sorry... but you know what. I'm not sorry - I've been slapped in the face and rejected by a hell of a lot of you and I actually can't stomach it anymore. I'm hurting too much.
Ok fine, emo moment maybe? But its been a long time coming.
Why care when everyone is so selfish! Maybe it's about time I be selfish!
A song by the Cursive - Butcher the Song says: What a day to sever such ugly extremities.
So I'll start to chop away! Delete people I don't text, people I don't know.
Then after a while on facebook... I'll delete the people who just don't care.
Take a look once in a while at the broken girl in front of you, don't wait till she crumbles to finally "care".

Friday, 24 September 2010

Soul Songs

You ever get those songs that just reach into the very heart of you and make you think: "Oh my God that's ME!" I do, and I did today... well every time i here it I laugh because its so me.
Its a song called: The Good That Wont Come Out by Rilo Kiley, who I LOVEEE!! These are the lyrics:

Let's get together and talk about the modern age.
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets
just talking shit about how we're all so upset about the disappearing ground.
As we watch it melt....

It's all of the good that won't come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust,
if we keep shaking them.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.

All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.

Oh, you're almost home.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again.
I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...

Let's talk about all of our friends who lost the war
And all of the novels that had yet to be written about them.

It's all the good that won't come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
Standing here on this frozen lake.

It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake...

Love it!!! And its so me, download Rilo Kiley!! They are awesome and she has a beautiful voice!!! I'll highlight things that are most me:
The 3rd paragraph and this bit - "All the good that won't come out of me and all the stupid lies I hide behind." Don't really need to explain that one. But the best one.
"I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street. You say I choose sadness and it never once has chosen me. Maybe you're right.." It just makes me laugh because that's like me, drunk... a lot and the sadness thing, I guess i have chosen it, because i know if i tried, i could be happy... But i haven't been happy in a very long time, its just the cold harsh truth.... Me and Sadness were meant to be i guess =/

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Work Madness

So I mentioned I had quit my job, long story short the new manager just did not like me. She had been victimising me for a while and to the end of it i couldn't stand it. She had called me up when i had been signed off with depression and said that i needed serious professional help. Then as soon as I came back she decided to come down on me hard.
- Hair: She said my hair wasn't natural. That pissed me off as it is brown at the moment with a panel of black. I suggested she should talk to two of the girls I worked with that had purple and red hair. And if it was the two tone she should look in the mirror as her hair was blonde and brown.

- Make-up: She said she didn't like that it wasn't natural. But the thing was when she spoke to me on the Monday my make up was bold, it was 4 colours. But on the Saturday it wasn't, it was a yellowish brown. So if it was such a problem why wouldn't she have said something on the Monday when it was blue, pink, purple and yellow!

- Tattoos: Right i had two new tattoos which i told my managers I was getting them and she then yelled at me to wear long sleeves, which i them i replied fuck that! As it was like a steam room in there! Then i said if it was going to come to that why hadn't she told all the 9 (maybe more) people to cover theirs up! Including other head people in the store.

- Personality: Now this one hurt the most, she basically said that she didn't like the way i acted and that she didn't like who i was, how i spoke to customers and such. Which is absolute bullshit as she treats the customers like shit and always talks down to them. My handling of customers is correct, I'm polite, kind and i talk to them like they are normal people. So much so that i had regulars that would come in to the store and only want to be served by me - its called good customer service, something she would know nothing about. She had said some rude things i don't really want to put down on here as it will only make me more angry.

So at the end of an hour long argument i basically told her to fuck herself. I don't have a problem with the company, just the store manager. She treated me horribly and i didn't appreciate it. I'm happy to be out of there - though i deeply miss my work colleagues. And the money. Today i had to try and fill out a JSA form, it took two hours and I haven't even finished it yet.... i needed a break lol.
So yeah.... In search for a job - I'm really hoping to find something Ive always wanted to do, like working in a zoo or anything with animals.... Hmmm ill have to think more on that. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

So I realise it's been too long since I wrote on my blog. This is due to many reasons, mainly my lack of Internet. I've had my phone but that only goes onto face book. Shit, so much has happened.
Okay so last time I wrote I had a boyfriend. It was going well I thought. We decided to go out to a club with two of my mates. It was a funny night. So I thought, but the next morning I got the text... "We need to talk!"
Well, we all know that's the dead meat sentence. So he wanted me to meet him after work, but there was no way I was walking to get dumped and then have to walk back home on my own, it's not right.... Right?
So I thought the decent thing to do would be to knock for me, or at least call. But oh no, I get... Another text. That's right, dumped by text! Fuck it. For someone to do that after saying how much I meant to them was just bullshit. But I'm not one to cry... And I don't think I did. I think I had a moment to myself to just breathe, I was so angry.
He said it was because of the trust issues he had which just pissed me right off. I have major trust issues and commitment issues, hence why it took me so long to say yes and go out with him when he asked. He said I was too flirty with everyone. That always bugs me because I'm just being friendly and so many people take it the wrong way. I don't even know when I'm doing it. So he went on holiday to have time to think and when he came back I was told that he had spoken to a few of my friends and they all said the same thing. That I'm not flirting, I'm just being friendly, being myself and that I have every ones best interests at hart - which is true! And he did say that he was sorry and that maybe we should try it again. But I thought it best we didn't.
He's going on about having trust issues, thinks I flirt, so why go back to something that is bound to happen again. He doesn't trust me and that's what relationships are built on. If we don't have that we don't have much to go on.
So forgetting about that shit situation and all the other crap I've been going through, it would be long to go into but it includes:
- Quitting my job at last!
- Losing friends I thought I was close to and
- Major health issues!

I've decided to give up on everything... I'll explain that next time.

Friday, 9 July 2010

Ex Marks The Spot...

Its never fun meeting exes really is it? Things are going well with him, i think. Well i hope they are. We get on and he likes me. And I've been staying there a lot, which is good. I feel comfortable... Most of the time. Which is different.
But the other morning, his ex is there... I get the feeling she doesn't like me. But then, what exes really get on with the new girlfriend. But looking at her i feel so, worthless and inadequate. She's skinny, pretty and again, probably everything I'm not. Attempting not to dwell on it though.
We had our first fight the other night, I could understand where his coming from, I can see from his point of view that I can seem a tad bit friendly with my guy mates, but he needs to understand that they are my friends plus the fact I'm actually going out with him means that I do like him. I don't say it.... Ever actually. But its difficult for me, I'm still getting used to the fact that he likes me for me. All my craziness, all my problems. And his still there caring for me. Yes it's freaking me out. But its nice at the same time.
Then it comes to the bit that freaks me out the most, yesterday.... I met his mum!!! Oh my god!!! I don't think I've ever been that nervous, and that's not like me at all, I'm great at meeting new people, like his mates... They all like me. I can joke around with them. But he brought me to his mums house and i met his mum, sister and brother. That's a big deal right? Taking the girl home to meet the folks? I don't think i could have been any more retarded!!! I spilt two drinks, and was so clumsy. I would understand why he wouldn't want to bring me back. But he seems think it went well.
He's been talking about wanting our relationship to last more than 3 years.... I'm trying not to freak out. I know that's a good thing for most girls, but I'm not most girls. I'll admit it, I'm shitting it! x

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Knock it down...

I've had this emotion blocking wall put up for such a long time now... So i thought maybe I should let my guard down for once and try and be happy.
I'm depressed, we all know this. So maybe opening up to people will help me deal with things i have since repressed and tried to forget about - These things don't go away after time... They build up.
Don't I know that! God!!
So, I'm knocking down the wall bit by bit. I'm breathing and I'm coping, so far!
Lets just see how we go ay.
I just don't want to hurt anyone or GET hurt in this process! x

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Trust me...

.... I do try to be a "normal" girl, whatever normal is these days!

conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

So basically, conformity.... Doing what everyone else does!!! Screw that... I like being different. If we were all the same, what would be the point? In living, in culture, in anything?

So i haven't written on here in a while, good thing? I guess so, been trying to sort out my head. Trying the new antidepressants. Not sure if they are really helping, I've been better.... But i have been worse, improvement? Maybe!
I've also met someone, woot woot right?
Yes, it is a "woot woot" situation. He's awesome! He gets me, he's funny, sweet and we just really clicked..... Feel the "but" coming on?
Yet again I'm finding it difficult to just let go, let my guard down and prepare to be happy. Because he's doing everything right. He is just so nice, I'm scared I'm going to hurt him. I wouldn't want to. But with my lack of ability to commit and trust I worry that I'll become all scatty and flip out at him for no reason. I don't want that to happen. I do like him, admitting that to myself is hard enough. But to let him in is such a big step.... I don't wanna be hurt either.
Not saying he would.
I don't understand what he sees in me, i really don't get how he can like me. And I go over thinking and over analyzing everything to the point where I want to question his motives, which is stupid and pathetic.... Just like me! He likes the fact that I'm not "normal" and the fact that he understands me and gets things I say that most wouldn't is so awesome. But I just want to get attached, and I don't want him to either, because I know what I'm like. I'll freak out and push him away.

So, we've spoke about it. Which is good for a start.... Me talking! About how I ACTUALLY feel.... amazing, I know! and we have decided that we aren't labeling it. "It" being our relationship. This way we wont feel trapped I guess.... Though - I'm pretty sure we are basically going out.
How he is not sick of me yet I have no idea.... Give it time though.
He'll find a flaw in me, one of the many.... And he'll change his mind about how he feels, most do.

Or not..... x

Monday, 24 May 2010


Walking down the lanes
And the pathways winding.
With the sun and the breeze,
Old feelings subsiding.
Don't know where I'm going.
I'll forget where I've been.
Living for the moment,
Getting lost in a dream.
I don't understand
Why reality's so tense.
Juggling emotions
That don't make any sense!
So take that pill,
Let serotonin's rise.
Living step by step,
Quit your lonely demise.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Rain Drops

There's something poetic and beautiful about rain
I love it!
Not many people do and I don't understand why.
Its the weather compared to the emotion of being sad, and sometimes, yeah - rain can be sad. But rain is cleansing. It washes away your tears.

We are like rain, our problems are like rain.

Rain falls, but within time it builds up, disappears and goes through changes. And sure enough it will fall again.
But without rain, things wouldn't survive!
Without falling down and falling apart.... We cant get stronger!

I am the rain today!

For now my eyes are raining and my mind is cloudy. I may be breaking down, and there may be a storm inside me,
But with a few changes....
I'm preparing for a sunny day!
So look out for the rainbow, because with all the shit that may go on... Something beautiful can be created.
You've just got to brave the storm and wait for it to pass.
But it will.
It's got to.
= (

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Bloody Sort It Out...

Look, you can see you're getting sadder by the day!
So stop bloody sulking and do something about it!
I know you can't actually seem to do anything about it. But you can sort yourself and the things around you!
I realise I'm talking to myself here, but it seems I only listen to the shit people say and none of the things that might actually help me out.
So... I'm going to try and sort myself out. Step by step. And what are these steps?...
I have no idea! I'll make them up as i go along. But it's all leading to a greater me!
I hope.
But this isn't just for me. Some people reading this might be able to do the same steps and help themselves out too!!!

So whats my first step? I'll tell you:
First I'm going to have a looooooooooong relaxing bath, and pamper myself. I'm not a girly girl so i guess this just means a chilled out hot bubble bath!
Then on to my room!! I'm going to try and sort my mess of a room!!!
Hopefully in doing this I will clean a place where I can just chill, my mess is leading to stress. Maybe it could be a symbol... Clearing my space... Clearing my mind of all mess also - Who knows. But it needs to be done, then I can think about decorating it differently. Making it a more positive place. To create a more positive me.
When am I starting....

Lets try and sort my life out, one baby step at a time!!!

Monday, 3 May 2010

Just say it... I'm worthless

Okay, so they are called one night stands for a reason.
You get depressed. You get stupidly drunk, meet someone at a cub and cant think straight so go back to theirs.. It's not good!
You sleep with them whilst drunkenly repeating their name in your head so maybe in your sober yet hungover brain can remember it in the morning! Then there's the awkwardness of waking up and probably asking what-his-face how to get home. And then the awkwardness of finding out whether this was a one night thing or if you will ever see them again. Plus you've slept in your clothes and your make-up and aren't looking as top notch as his beer-goggles had previously seen.
I never ask for their numbers either, I'd then have the catch the name again (i jest) plus you don't wanna look desperate or clingy.... This is where facebook comes in!! They give you their name and you send a friend request.

To it then later on, being ignored...

If you don't want me to add you, don't tell me to!!! I already feel worthless without being rejected on facebook as well. This is why if it happens I never get my hopes up.... Because there's no point, if I don't expect anything in the first place, when I don't get it (because I never do) I'm not any more sad than when I was to beginning. But then I guess that means I'm always disappointed. I don't see the glass as half full or empty, just drink the bloody thing, get pissed - sleep with a stranger to later on get humped and dumped and feel like shit once more.

So a message to the dickheads out there that decide to pretend like they're all nice and funny to get a girl back to theirs:
If that's all you wanted, just say it. If I'm ugly to you, just say it. If your not interested at all, just say it...
Look, I already know. I wake up everyday and see this disgrace in the mirror and tell myself...

Just say it... I'm worthless!

Saturday, 1 May 2010

Internal Bruising!

Wow... Ouch!
I didn't know how much this would actually hurt.
I guess I already knew he liked her when we were going out, but still, to me... It was maybe a tad too soon.
To find her standing behind me at a mates party... Totally out of the blue and hearing a mate saying:
"Great to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you!!"
Me, I've heard nothing. So hearing from someone that they have been seeing each other, pretty much straight after we broke up, was a massive kick in the stomach. I was feeling so crappy I literally wanted to be sick, my stomach was turning, my head was spinning... But being me, I did what I always do. I smiled and pretended like it didn't bother me.
I accepted her like I would any other new person. I got to talking to her and shes really nice, really pretty and a generally sweet girl. All was going well and I thought maybe I was over reacting and it would actually be that bad. Unfortunately I thought this all soon. I turned around and they were kissing, right next to me.
My god that added to the internal bruises!!!
That was the point I had to leave, so I had a moment to myself.. An hour!! To try and breathe. And then I spent the most of the night upstairs meeting new people. Was easier to take my mind off things. No-one really questioned me to see if I was okay. I guess because they had seen my talking to her they assumed all was fine. I wanted it to be fine, that's the thing.
But later on I went downstairs and she had gone home. He pulled me aside and said that someone had told him that I was a bit upset about her being there. He didn't think it would be a problem. And why should he? Our break up from a relationship was mutual... Right. And his my best friend.
And so that's how it should be. At the end of the day he is first and for most, my best friend! And not my ex.
Putting aside how I still feel, my best friend is happy and so I'm happy for him.
She's everything I'm not, and that's what he wants and deserves.
I just don't want him to replace me. Although I can already see us slipping.
His sand in my palm and she is the wind. Sweeping him away. And I'm left with nothing....
Dear god!!! That must have been the gayest thing I have ever wrote!!! But it's the only way to explain it for me at the moment.
I want him to be happy... And when I saw him last night, he was.. So that's all I can ask for =)
His moved on... So maybe I will too.

Also, I just want to say thank you to my friends that read this and text me and message me. It means a lot!! It shows you care... I didn't even think anyone would read this!! Its sort of embarrassing! But thank you for showing me you're there! I need that. x

Monday, 26 April 2010


Are social animals!! And awesome pets. I know why i have them... Because I need them! My rats give me a sense of being, a reason for living. They are my responsibility, my babies (sounds lame I know). Without me, they would die. So they need me, to feed them, clean them and play with them. But they need me as much as I need them. I need them to comfort me, calm me and love me. And they do!!! People really don't understand rats, and I hate that. They are beautiful creatures. People hang on to the "fact" that it was rats that caused the black plague!! But it wasn't our wild rat!! It was the oriental rat FLEA that came on the back of black rats coming in from boats from around the world. People see Rats as vermin, but they obviously haven't owned one!! They are so tame!!! Hamsters are preferred... Ive had 4 of them, and 3 of them used to bite on occasions! My rats have NEVER bitten me, they are as tame, loyal and as friendly - not to mention as intelligent as dogs!!! Even smarter. I learnt in psychology about Pavlov and his salivating dogs. Basically at the sound of a bell he would feed the dogs, then after that, whenever the bell was sounded the dogs would salivate... Regardless of whether there was food or not. The same study was done with Rats, they were taught to associate a sound with food, but were also allowed to provoke the sound themselves. The researchers found that when the rats produced the sound themselves they didn't go to look for food. Thus, it is clear that they understood that food is not necessarily associated with the sound. And if they had caused the sound, it was obvious to them that food would not be available - because they weren't the cause behind the distribution of food. I love rats!!

I feel like if i went missing, my family and friends would really notice my disappearance for a couple of days... If at all!! They don't really depend on me... And don't really have much affection to me, if they do they don't show it very well. For example: On my birthday many people said they would come... and they didn't. It made me sad, but i didn't let it show. And then yesterday i arranged to meet some of my friends i haven't seen in ages at least 10 people said they were totally up for it. But when i messaged/rung to see when and where we should meet - literally NO-ONE picked up - which was upsetting. And then there's even my family. I woke up the other morning and over heard my mum and brother bitching about me, seriously! My own mother backstabbing me!!! And it hurt so much, i wanted to break down right there, but again - i pretended to not care. However... If I were to vanish... Dylan and Tyson wouldn't survive!!!

A while back I thought about taking my own life. And in all honesty, the thing that stopped me... The one thing that plagued my thoughts and stopped me from doing something stupid, was Ruben. Ruben was my albino rat. And the thought of him suffering because of my selfishness brought me to tears, and as you can see; I didn't do it. When he died, a part of me thought about it again, and I went off the rails quite badly. Drinking, smoking, taking drugs. But it was all to take my mind off of it. After a while I got Dylan and Tyson to stop myself from going back to that place in my head. I haven't killed it - Its still there... Just I try not to think of it.

I've heard people talking about suicide and cutting themselves for a long time, and seen people doing it. Most of the time (and no offense, this isn't what i think of everyone) but most of the time i find its selfish, self absorbed people that do it! The people that just don't listen to what anyone has to say, to help them out. I feel like most only do it for attention, the emos of the world. When I see people with the scars on their wrists I don't judge, I pity. They have done it were everyone can see though... And that's SO not the point....
Ive seen people talking about suicide on facebook recently. And this just makes me so angry!! Its pathetic, I'm sorry, but it is. There are so many ways for someone to get through this feeling, but this particular person just DOESN'T listen, no matter how many people are there for you. But then again shes putting it on facebook, because she knows she isn't going to do it - no matter how much I'm there for her and how much i talk her out of it - the moment I'm not there or haven't spoken to her to "check up on her" shes at it again. Cutting herself and moaning. I get no where and she isn't my responsibility! As i said, shes not going to do it - because if she was, she wouldn't be putting it on her status' she'd be doing it! She hasn't got the courage to push down, so shes putting it up for someone to talk her out of it so she can get it off her mind and let the fear and realisation set in. All its going to take is someone she really cares for to push her buttons, but they wont do it. Shes being stupid! Plus she has no real reason to do it - just things aren't going her way at the moment.
However, some people are hurting themselves for a reason though (there should never be a reason, but sometimes there is). You're/They're hurting on the inside. And you cant seem to fix it. So you cut yourself on the outside. You see the pain, you feel it, its a weird release... But you can also see it heal. I guess its a way of your body trying to tell you, things will get better!

Depression, it takes it toll. And doctors tried to put me on medication for it. It didn't leave, it still hasn't. But I decided not to go down that route! Ill only become dependant on something that deals with the symptoms and not the cause. so at the end of the day - nothings getting sorted, my serotonin's are just lying to me!! I've already got that sorted, I fake a smile everyday and on my own I'm trying to sort things out.
I'm going to admit it - I'm lonely, sad, scared, confused, depressed, and a hell of a lot more emotions mixed up! And it's not going to change. I've tried... but alas - no change!
It doesn't matter though.... Because you'll never tell! This fake smile is fixed. I've become too good at it - Its my savior and my curse!!
It get on with my life with out dragging people into my deep and sad abyss! So if you read this, don't call me anymore... Ive tried to help you as much as I can, but you calling me at stupid o'clock in the morning telling me your going to TRY kill yourself... Again... Isn't doing any of us any good. I'm not going to tell you to stop and your dragging me under with you! It's just not going to happen really is it - So let it go! And let me go too! I can no longer deal with you!!!
I've given up on you, as well as me!

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Get me out of here...

I think everyone at work would agree that I'm a tad loopy, mad, strange... Eccentric has been said once or twice. Basically I'm just different from my other colleges. And I love that. I have a different way with dealing with things. Plus work is dull, so its good to liven it up a bit.
See when I started at BHS, I was really shy... I know right!! But no-one really spoke to me. So I just got on with the jobs given to me in silence. It was sad. Then one day Charlotte asked for help. So I thought great. My time to shine... Or fail. I thought if I didn't show myself now I would be stuck in this shy shell, just like I was at school. Granted for a little while people thought I was strange, but then they got used to the fact that it was just me, then they accepted me.
This meant that when new people start, I always speak to them, crack jokes. Just be welcoming really. Show them what i wasn't shown, greet them how I would have wanted to be greeted. It a good trick, this is why I'm so close to the younger work staff. I'm told they look up to me, but they get on with me and I love that. I also love the fact that most of them would rather come to me for help rather than a manager! It's annoying because I don't have a 600 number, which is stupid because unlike others (not being rude) I can actually work on every department. Plus in the week I'm the only one that can do web orders. So I need that number to access things. But they keep giving me bullshitty reasons as to why they wont give me one. But fuck it. Not like I want to be working there any longer than i have to anyway. I want to leave A.S.A.P.
One thing I love about being "Crazy Ally" is the things I used to... and sometimes still get away with. Like I'm late sometimes, I wear crazy make up, odd socks. Plus when the regional manager Mark comes in, everyone gets a bit worried and on edge. Me on the other hand can relax. Due to our first meeting... I was in a world of my own, recovering the shoes and I heard someone behind me. I thought it was the manager at the time, Wendy. Who I happened to get on very well with, so I spun around and literally said:
"Well howdy doodey!"
It was so embarrassing, but luckily he smiled and said:
"Why hello there, how lovely to see a smiling face. And whats your name?"
And since then every time he comes in he looks for me and we have a little chat. There's method in my madness you could say.
The thing is, I may be different, but the customers like me. And I have a touch of ADHD, so I need to find ways to entertain myself. I have different ways.... Sometimes I give myself a different life, I can lie to the customers.. Say i have such an elaborate life! Lol. I get really chatty with some of them, they find out things about me and I find things out about them. Today I asked two of my customers to draw me pictures, and they did!!! One drew me an elephant and another drew me Tweetybird. It made me laugh. Sometimes I tell them random facts, I only know things about animals really - So it would be really random like: Did you know the male duck billed platypus is venomous!! They don't mind, or they ignore me most of the time though. Me and Hayleigh once dared each other to add in words, I told her to say ice-cube to her next customer and she told me to say platypus (that's where the random facts started) I dance... I sing - I entertain. Some customers go along with and some let it go over their heads. But that's it - I'm like able. However, I do get some arsey, bitchy, horrid customers. Like one customer said she had put something on hold, she didn't tell me what it was, what colour, blah blah... And long story short, in all my politeness - She called me a fat fucking cunt!! Yeah... She was rude!

But right now, I'm frikking stressed!!! Most of the people at work think I'm a slacker or something, and that I just chat and don't work. But what they don't understand is that I'm easily distracted, so I talk to keep my mind on the task. They only seem to see me chatting and not noticing that I'm working as I'm talking!! And when they think I'm messing about, I have excellent customer services!!! Customers like me, I have customers that only come to me, people that call me for help - Customers know me by name! I may look like I'm chatting... But they cant do everything I do. I've worked everywhere in that store. Fashions, Kids, Men's, Lighting, Home EVEN the bloody Coffee shop! I can do web ordering, I take time to make things perfect. PLUS I went in that bloody dog suit to promote our store all the bloody time! It seems all I get is them making me run around, they laugh at me and then I hear them talking behind my back.
I can understand where they are coming from some of the time, but come on!! There is no need to stab me in the back, I seem to get enough of that with my friends and family! Let alone my bloody work colleges... So yeah - FUCK OFF!!!
Errrgh, I wanna leave so bad = (

Monday, 19 April 2010

Deluded Hopes

Stop plaguing my thoughts
Haunting my dreams
Deluding my hopes
Muffling my screams

I lost you once...
That should have been it
But you had more of a hold
Within your lack to commit

Please leave my head
Take with you the pain
Loosen your grip
Relieve this mental strain

With just one message
You tore everything apart
Without even seeing you
You spat on my heart.

You crept in... invisible
With the anti-Midas touch
Ruining this one something
That to me, meant too much!

With my eyes wide open
I still cannot see
Your selfishness clouds my vision
And has blinded me!

So get outta my thoughts
Let me live my own dreams
With this instrument i hope
To find peace with your screams!

Just a girl, Interupted...

You'd like to think when you get older, you grow up! To fit your age and become mature... Not the case for all!!! I'm living with a adolescent mother!!! Its not enjoyable - There i am, younger... Being the adult and shes just getting on my tits, bulling me and talking behind my back (when i can STILL hear her) like a pathetic school child!!! I've tried to explain that she needs to talk it out with me like a normal human, but she just wants her own way - all the time!!

I have anger issues, you know, to add to all the other fucked up things in my head. And when something happens to make me mad, its crazy. I have Bipolar, so when I'm happy its okay, and sometimes I can fake it, the happiness i mean. But the lows are hard to shake and to fake happy. Sometimes it's just too much.
My doctor/shrink, well they said that I need to have a hobby to keep my hands busy and when they asked me what mine were, I couldn't think... I don't really have any. So I just said Ruben, who was my rat at the time. I'd get him out every time I was sad or angry, and he would cheer me up. It did really work. I'd think of him and it would calm me, so when he passed it ruined a lot of my progress. So that's why I got Dylan and Tyson, my two dumbo rats. Not to replace Ruben (because that's impossible) but to help me out again. But it's crazy, the tiniest thing can happen to trigger me to get so angry, I'd want to lash out at whoever was there! And that's a dangerous thing. I never used to have anything to calm myself, Now though, I have sort of little steps. Depending on how bad a feel would depend on how many I would do. These are just some:

1. Leave the room - Just go, don't get angry and yell, as that only makes it worse.

2. Get Dylan and Tyson out. They are so small and fragile, they calm me down because I get worried I'd hurt them.

3. Text my friends - Text whatever, a stupid question. Just something that would get a response, to take my mind off of everything.

4. Put on "Girl, Interrupted" It's such a beautiful film. Looking into the lives of people who I guess, feel the same as me sometimes. One bit i love (out of many) is when Valarie asks Susana what she would have said to Daisy, she replies:
"That I was sorry. That I would never understand what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you cant. How you hurt yourself on the outside... To try and kill the thing on the inside. - How the hell am I supposed to get better if I don't understand my disease."
She explains it so well, and then Val says:
"I think what you got to do is put it down, put it away, put it in your notebook. But get it outta yourself. Away, so you cant curl up with it anymore."

And then I grab a pen. And I write. Because she's right, if you don't get it out, it eats away at you. So I either write it in a book, or on this blog. It's good to get thoughts out, because I forget. So reading it back can be interesting. I learn something about myself everyday.
"Crazy isn't bring broken, or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me. Amplified!"
I love Girl, Interrupted. It makes sense to me... Is that a good or bad thing? x

Dare To Be Different Part 2 (Tues 13/04/10)

When I look at celebrities, I hate to see that people follow the trends of the unhealthy ones such as Victoria Beckham and Paris Hilton. Leading to anorexia and drug habits. But then I am happy to see people like David Bowie, Bjork and Lady Gaga in the public eye. People with a difference, people that dont follow a strick norm!!!
I find Lady Gaga incredible and a big inspiration, she's beautiful and not afraid to be different. Plus she does it because - that's who she is! She doesn't care about the media spotlight (okay she does because she has a huge obsession with fame) but she wears the clothing because fashion, and uniqueness is what interests her. She's showing children that are going through what i may have gone through and what she went through, that's its actually okay to let out you inner freak... Because - There's one in many people, and we should be afraid to let it out. Why should we be afraid? Because people will bully us... Well fuck that? Where the hell will they get in life... Nowhere - Have some bloody creativity!!
I wish there was someone eccentric to look up to when I went through that stage. She may be crazy - but i think shes a fantastic role model, granted i wouldn't wear a lot of the things she does. But she doesn't necessarily do it to be provocative. She wears items from designers like: Versace, Alexander McQueen and Vivienne Westwood. But she also creates her own. She does it for an artistic affect. And its beautiful, and creative. Art is subjective after all, so not everyone gets it. And as I've mentioned him, I must say, the death of Alexander McQueen came as a great shock to me. He was a man not afraid to dare to be different. And his creations were amazing!!! With all his dramatic designs, its not a surprise that he won the British Designer of the Year award. Luckily we still have people like Vivienne Westwood, Tarina Tarantino and Betsey Johnson... Who i LOVE!!!

So, why conform? Whats the point? Don't fear things that are peculiar, strange or different, Embrace it and just accept it. Because, your not the same as everyone else... Think about it more and you with realise, you have differences too!

Dare To Be Different Part 1 (Tues 13/04/10)

I've never understood peoples obsession with wanting to be seen as normal, i mean come on.. What is normal?! Why would so many want to follow a norm?
I've noticed many people have a fear of people, or things that as different. But if we were all the same, well what would be the point - life would be so boring!

I know that I am different from a lot of people. And as a kid i had a difficult time growing up, only because people tended to follow a trend. But I could never see the point, I was seen as weird. I didn't have many friends and I never really felt accepted, and got bullied a lot. Most days I'd sit on my own and live inside my head. Because I knew if I came out and tried to show people who I really was then I would be totally ridiculed for it. So I created a shy, quiet girl, because i felt like that would be more acceptable.
But when it came to growing up and coming to 6th form I thought, Fuck it! I am who I am, and I don't care. And surprisingly the people that I thought would hate me, decided that maybe different wasn't so bad. But that's the thing, there isn't anything wrong with a difference in personality, trend, view or sexuality! Its amazing, that's the beauty of people!
Why should we follow the norm? Why should a person been seen as an outcast just because they choose to say something, wear something or believe something different! We shouldn't have to conform, because that's what makes us individuals, otherwise... Who are we, but clones of each other?

This post had to be cut short... as it did work - ill try to post the rest later x

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

For the best...

So we finally spoke about it. After 2 weeks of weirdness... All the things I wanted to say, he wanted to say. Which was a relief. Yeah it was nice, at the beginning, when no one knew. But then we had that closeness any way. I think we needed this to show us, because our friendship is great. Better than anything we would have as a couple. Plus doing it now and not taking peoples advice who said, "You'll get through it, you just need time." Instead we listened to ourselves, knowing it didn't feel right. Saving what we had, before we made it more complicated to ruin anything.
I feel better about us now... Us being best mates, the good thing is, nothing really changed. Then again I'm not gonna deny that it was a bit of a kick in the face. And I do feel quite crappy right now = ( Some of the things he said really stuck in my head, making me think... I'm always gonna be alone. Because of many things, I don't think I'm really good enough for anyone, especially not him! He deserves someone that knows what they want, someone beautiful, someone not so fucked up and indecisive!!! Someone that gives back all the affection he has. He's awesome and will find someone great, his such a good friend. And although it hurts and it will be weird seeing him with someone else, I want him to be happy! I think, what we didn't realise before was that the feeling we felt when we saw each other with someone else, was fear! The fear of losing our best friend. We just get scared that this new person will replace us. And we confused it with something different. But now we've gone through this, we know that it wont happen. We're too good friends for that! We were fine how we were before. And we are both happier now we are back to normal.
He said something though... "You need to find someone that wants the same thing as you, someone who will feel the same for you..." - Ouch! He said it in a nice way I'm sure, but wow. That stung, I smiled at him and just shook it off. The truth is, I thought he was that person, at the beginning he was all huggy and close and I felt strange, but I tried, but I guess it was too late. I had already pushed him away = ( Plus.... He liked someone else. Someone prettier and better than me, I cant blame him.... Meh. We are fine... But it's made me think... What am I looking for?
I thought that being with him would make me change my mind about relationships. The fact that he is my best mate, so he already knew what I was like, but no, I think that made it worse. I just get so confused and freak out in those situations. I'm not used to that sort of attention and I don't think I will. I did try. But I'm not sure man. My family has never really been into the whole affection/lovey side of things, so it's something I'll have to learn to live with and get used to. If I can show adoration to friends, I should for a partner.
I guess the divorce of my parents poisoned my mind when looking at relationships working. I have commitment, trust and many other issues that just get in the way of me being happy. Because I tend to muck everything up. It's stupid because I shouldn't really look at failed relationships to determine my own fate. Everyone is different after all. But mine haven't been much better, I've never really had a proper boyfriend/girlfriend. I just push people away, because I think it would be easier. And I never make the first move, in fear of rejection. So I'm really not going to get anywhere! It's something I've got to get used to. (But i guess how can i do that if I'm too scared to try!!??). Yeah it's sad and makes me feel depressed, but if I don't get my hopes up for anything, then I wont be disappointed when it never works out..... But then I guess that means, I'm constantly disappointed... I'm living a lose lose situation!!!
I've not turned into a slut or anything (I could never get that many guys lol).. But I've turned into someone that will like another person for the shortest time! That way i suppose I don't get emotionally attached, which is why I find it easy to just pull a stranger because they don't know who i am, so its easier to just walk away before getting hurt. That doesn't make me a slag! Just a social Moth (I'm not pretty enough to be a butterfly!) and I'm a Relationship Retard!!
He said I get lots of people after me. But he doesn't get it... They never look past what they see, and all the see are big boobs. If I didn't have them, people/guys wouldn't take a second look at me. They don't notice the personality and if it came to the over-all me, all they would see is an ugly, fat moose! I fake the confidence I think I need and wear low cut tops. That way people ignore the ugly face above them. Then i guess that just means I'm getting attention from the wrong sort. But then I'm too scared to look for anything serious, so it works both ways.
I still don't really have anyone interested, just random drunk idiots... I wish I did. It's just another thing I need to stick in my ever growing shit past and move on. Pretending I'm fine...
I'm fine...?

Monday, 5 April 2010

Ring ring....

.... Ring Ring...
Hello!!! It's the past calling, thought I'd call and say - "FUCK YOU!!"... Yeah that's right, I'M STILL HERE!! And you cant forget me. You cant change what has happened, and no matter how you try and make your self feel better... I'm gonna come back and bite you in the arse and say.. "No, fuck that, I OWN YOU!"

Yeeeeeeeeah, been on of those days, already... It's past 1:00am on Tuesday... and already i feel like I wanna jump into a Parana invested sea!
I thought this was going to be the point in my life where i would be super happy and things would look up. But as i said - once one thing goes right, more things fuck up.... My brain is fuzzy and i have so much i want to write, but i literally cant make it flow into coherent sentences!!
I'm going to hang up on my past right now, because I need to sleep. Even though that wont help... Because:
1. My subconscious bullies me to the point i wake up in tears because of the nightmares that make no sense!
And 2... The past has me on speed dial!!
It WILL call me again....

Innocent Imagenation

I miss the drive i used to have as a kid. I used to want to be so many different things. And I'm sure i could have been anything. A vet, a singer, an actress... A writer. But i guess in growing up something stopped me from trying to achieve anything, it wasn't that i got lazy. But the fact that too many people told me i couldn't. And that just sucks.
I used to write all these little stories and poems. And for a younger girl they were so good (not boasting or anything) I was so descriptive and my imagination was so creative. Over active brain i guess. But someone told me that it was lame. So i didn't stop but i kept it to myself. Afraid and embarrassed to tell people because i didn't want them to laugh at me. I'm even embarrassed writing this... A blog - an emo thing? Not really. Its a place where i can read my thoughts. Because with out writing them down i get confused and go off on tangents in the twisted path ways of my mind and forget what i was meant to be trying to sort out. Because there's alot of crap floating on up there.
But i was looking through my room yesterday and i came cross a folder, full of stories and poems from years ago - some were rubbish and made me cringe! But others were actually quite good. I stuck to writing poems because they were short. Reading some of the stories, they could have been made longer - but id get another idea and start writing something else, so id either end it stupidly or just not end it at all... leave it hanging - but then if i went back to it id forget where i was going with it.
I guess the drive changed, because i changed. I got older, i didn't grow up - but my surroundings changed. I started going out. My group of friends changed.... The fact that i had friends!! I wrote because, i had no where to be. I escaped into my mind to keep myself company. To be able to become someone i wished i could be - i wrote about who i wanted to be. And then, i guess.... I suddenly became that person.
I worry though, because the things i wrote were so dark and morbid. 7 to 11 year olds or however old i was.... Well shouldn't be writing depressing things like that - but hey, explains why I'm so fucked up now. I miss writing. I found one story about a Raven. It was 18 pages long, A4 - both sides.... so quite long. Not finished. Might try and carry it on as it was a good idea! Writing about the freedom of a lost soul... Yeah, deep stuff for a kid - but with humor... aww i miss younger innocent me. The way i wrote about the killing of a fish was so imaginative - i love it lol, go me.
I also re-read a book on poems, one could have been published in a book in America. But someone told me it was a scam, which broke me - Seeing as it wasn't a scam, someone actually liked my stuff =( Doesn't help that no-one believed in me, because now i cant believe in myself!!!
But... Fuck it, I'll forget about the fear and the embarrassment and show you on here.....

It's called: Fallen Angel
Lets dream of the end,
And start over.
Fall into the night.
Let my blood brand the pavement,
Be part of this city at last.

I silently stand,
My audience watch on.
Feel guilty for all your taunting now?
I’m on the edge… Erg me to jump!

I can’t feel anymore,
I’m lost in my pain.
On the roof, the air is calm.
Count the tears as they drop.

So I’ll diminish with the rain.
I open my eyes.
I’m flying.

I fell for you,
Now I’m falling because of you!

Tell me what you think... Good or bad, i don't mind. Also - if your interested in seeing anymore... I have a whole book full of depressing shit. Lol. x

Monday, 29 March 2010

I must be dreaming...

I was at the park the other day, looking at the ponds, watching the ducks float on by gracefully... Then I noticed a little lonely grey cygnet. Bobbing along the ripples of the water. It seemed all manor of pond life swam by him, not taking any notice. He was crying. Looking for something. But everything just seemed uninterested.. Because he was uninteresting. But as i gaze up and look along the gammy bird I spot a beautiful white Swan. He stretches out his stunning ploomage and glides towards the baby. They sit side by side, looking magnificent... Years have past, and that once so tiny, strange looking bird sits beside the Swan, mirroring his same beauty!
I turn away and I'm in bed once more. So... randomly - An Ugly Duckling Dream. Great, and what does this one mean? That i feel as if I am that strange looking creature, unsure that I will also turn into a Swan. See I'm not so sure that's the reason....

Sure, Swans are stunning, pure white, long necked, wide wings... And when they fly its breath taking!! But they are evil bastards! You see the tiny cygnet, so cute and dopey! And the protective mum, sure shes beautiful and looking out for her young, but sooo stuck up! When they are young there is still a certain charm to them. I love them, they are adorable, strange, weird, but strangely quirky and fascinating! They come to terms being different, but then they grow up and become beautiful and it all goes to their heads, they're like - "Yeah who's the ugly duckling now!" Thinking its ok to pick on the ones who had picked on them before. Sure they can change their beauty, but if should have to change their personalities... Its like Pokemon! (lol yes... Ive gone there... like a freak) They can evolve and reach the higher level, but they shouldn't change, they should just adapt!
I wouldn't want to become a Swan, and i haven't. Its not that I don't wish to be beautiful... I do, I really do! But I'd worry it would change my head. I would never want to become one of the bullies who had tormented me through all my years of school. Ive adapted and evolved into an adult... Without having to change who i am!
Plus, if I had become a Swan, I would have become a clone, just like everyone else. Sure I'd be beautiful... But then I wouldn't be different, I'd be just another Swan. Yes they are stunning, but give me a lamentation of Swans and one Cygnet.... You tell me who you notice first!

This song is now stuck in my head, it was playing as I was in my dreamy pond land!

Friday, 19 March 2010

Love or Money?

Okay, so I was asked the simple question today of if i had the choice. Would i go for money.. or love?
My friend said Love, and I said money, which i think she found a bit odd? But the thing is, love isn't really for me?! I feel like love is perhaps.. More of a word and less of a reality. Now I think that most people would go for the Love angle of things... Me, not so much. As much as people go on about love in songs and books and poems. I feel maybe its gone on about too much! And in consequence of this the word loses its meaning becomes just another over-used word in our vocabulary and loses the emotional meaning people have attached to it.
We've been brought up in life thinking that what we are aiming for is to find love, i don't want to say that i don't believe in it, but all I'm saying is I've never seen a healthy, loving relationship stay the way it was intended. For what i have witnessed, love is a rumor. A myth. A dream. A wish for something that isn't just yours to hold. Because with love, its gotta be two way-ed. Without the love of the thing our loving, your left without love! If your giving what you have in your heart and not receiving it, your in turn left with a hole.
I know it was a simple question, but with me - nothing is simple. I over analyze everything to come up with what I feel would be a perfect answer! Its how i did well in English GCSE's. Maybe, or I'm just good at bullshitting my way through things. So anyway. I'm going to look at love, maybe it would change my mind.

On the science/phsycology side of love, "Love" is the chemical reaction in your brain. The emotion we have attached to love in our brain, isn't love. It feels like love, but its just natures way of helping us carry on our genes. The chemicals related to love are just the same as they are in lust. Hence why I've never believed in love at first sight, as its lust. How can you fall in love with someone you don't even know. The chemicals in your brain sense the attraction, sense the good genes in the good looks and release a sex driven hormone... testosterone or oestrogen. Oestrogen in females gives off feeling they are in love, where as with testosterone in the male its more of a sex drive. This is why woman tend to fall in love more easily, feeling with their heart and not thinking with their brain/penis!
Helen Fisher explained that there were 3 stages of 'Love": lust, attraction and attachment.
Lust... easy to explain, feeling the need or the wanting to sleep with the other person!
Attraction, also simple, finding them attractive. But also, having the chemicals adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin, being released. Adrenaline would be the increase in blood. So if your falling for someone you'd get the sudden rush of a heart beat, lose in breath and sweating. Dopamine is likened to Cocaine, in which the user experiences a rush of pleasure. And then Serotonin which is important and explains why when you feel your in love your love interest can keep popping into your head. So its what the other person looks like that can release these reactions.
The last stage is Attachment. Its the bond that the two people share which means they could stay together and raise a family. It also includes two chemicals, oxytocin and vasopressin. Whats interesting about this is that these two chemicals are realised during orgasms. Sex deepens the feelings of attachment and makes couples feel much closer to each other, and its been studied that the more a couple have sex, the closer they become. So this vital part of falling in love, is due to sex. Therefore... due to lust.
All these chemicals could also explain the pain we feel when a "love" is lost, because we've had so much of the emotion and so more of the chemicals are used and then subsequently lost! So Love Sick, could be a real killer.
Professor Arthur Arun did a study on falling in love, he asked his subjects to carry out these 3 steps:
  • Find a complete stranger.

  • Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.

  • Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes

After he found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34 minute experiment. Two of his subjects even later got married.

Overall love is fleeting, its emotional, and emotions can change everyday. Given a bad situation, the fleeting feeling is lost. You can love someone, but that's different to actually being in love with someone.
I'm not saying that i cant love, or that I'm incapable of it... but the love that people for years have been going on about... Its not the real love that we should feel. Love is a drug, a cocktail of emotion in which anyone can take a sip. But not everyone can become love-drunk as you need the other persons affection, which you don't always receive. The chemicals in love are also released from taking drugs.

I do believe in love and I have a form of love for different things. But i get confused as to where the love of a friend would form a relationship and become the love of a partner. And induce Romantic Love, because, the way i see it - that's lust. And love would just be the close attachment i would have with my close friends. Without the sex.... And now I've confused myself!!! Totally, bewildered!!! Back to the question....

Given the choice of love or money, for now I'd go with the money, I'm dirt poor, plus I'll always have the love of my friends and family. But as for Romantic love... I've gone without so when i have the money.... There's always lust! =P xx

Thursday, 18 March 2010


You forget sometimes about reasons why your down... And then one thing happens and all the shit comes back!
I want to disappear! I have a migraine of mess in my head and my mum doesn't understand. She doesn't know the first thing about me because shes never once stood back and watched as my life crashes! Because shes too busy with hers. I try to sympathies... but how can i if she wont take the time to get to know her already fucked up daughter!
She moans and complains about whats lacking in her life.
I'm lacking in her life... Because shes pushing me away.
She's pushed me away.

I try to love her, and that's harsh I know. But how can i love the person who brought me into this would of deceit and lies and pain. How can i love her if she wont help it go away. How can i love her, knowing that all i need to hear sometimes is my own mother to say - I love You.
But she doesn't love me, because she doesn't even know who i am. No one does.

Not Even Me.

I want Barry Scott... Or the Cilit Bang to my life. To end everything that is fucked up.
Bang and the dirt is gone...
Bang and the mess is solved...

I thought it time...

That all these things i think in my head... should come out, because its cluttering my mind and i need space for other things.
I want to try really hard to sort out my life and talking about things has always been difficult! Coming from a family kinda lacking in emotion, or the ways of using emotion correctly I've decided to bottle everything up. I started writing a journal, but that still didn't help with the ache of stress on my mind.
Ive been told a problem shared is a problem halved, so i thought it was time that i opened up. Though i don't really know what to say and I'm sorta worried about what people will think. Ive always liked being the strong willed person... The one people go to for advice... But the problem is - they don't really realise.... I'm the one that needs the help. So here i go - finally admitting, Ally Mac has a problem, correction... Many problems!

Same shit, different day? Not always true ya know! Sometimes its the same shit, same day. Different shit, different day. Different shit, same day! All I'm saying is, there are always days.. full of shit! And I'm telling you, its on going in this brain of mine. Shocking... Not really. It's always the 'happier' ones isn't it. Well its no different for me. I just wish I knew why or what the 'shit' was that's constantly bringing me down! I'm sick of thinking of ways to make me happy and coming up with nothing. I mean, talk about depressing. I don't want to have to fabricate reasons to people as to why I am the way I am. Maybe I'm just meant to be an unhappy person. Just "Shit outta luck" seeing as every time things seem to be looking up, two other things go wrong and fall apart. Just to remind me that the world never wants things to go my way. Because, well, that's just unheard of really! Me?! Ally Mac?! Have a good day?... Not in reality! Even dreams show me my life is crap. So you'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm sick of this... I get to a Monday. The start of a brand new week. A repeated week. The only thing I look forward to is the weekend, because i never have anything important going on. So the weekend arrives, then as quickly as it comes, its Morbid Monday again. After doing nothing on the weekend worth saying you forget its two days to five. And I'm stuck in a repetitive, dead-end job with nothing going on.

On Tuesday, it was my birthday. My 21st. Usually i would have been excited, but not so much this year. I went on and on about it - but that was to drum in my own head, to stop feeling sorry for myself and be like any normal person and be happy! A day for me! But all i could think was, I'm 21!! Officially an adult! And what have i done? No, no... Let me think... Oh that's right! Nothing!
I finished school naively thinking life would just fall into place. Because i was comfortable there. I got school. The way everything worked. And then we all hit 18/19. Able to drink and go out. Immaturely become an adult. Start to have responsibilities, but that's the thing, that's it! You don't realise that now your on your own. Everything that happens from after High School is all down to you. No putting your hand up to ask for help, because there is no teacher. You've been taught all that they think you need to know. And i can honestly say, I've been out of school over 3 years now and I have never needed trigonometry or algebra! Why couldn't they teach me how to find and get a proper job, how to drive a car, how to make easy money or how to live and not mearly exist!
21! That's one of the big numbers! Adulthood, I can now drink in America! I can now do everything there is an age limit to! It's depressing because I look at this age and think, what have I done? What can I say I have accomplished... My dad had his 50th birthday on the 4th. In that time he had 3 kids, got married, learnt many instruments, bought a house, a car he could drive, got a job with good pay and that he enjoyed, had an affair, got divorced, broke up with that french skank, moved twice, settled in Bristol with his nice new girlfriend, been in and survived a car accident. And made himself a happy life. I'm sure there are more things he has done and that he wants to do, and will! He doesn't even look 50! My dad has all these things and I don't. I look at what I have and what I lack and notice, that what I lack has a much longer list! I mean, I'm 21 now, I've not had anything really to boast about. When I was little I thought I would have at least made myself something by now... But i don't have anything to really live for. I don't have a dream i wish to make a reality... I'm lacking the drive I had as a kid because I've lost the innocence. Realising that life isn't a fairy tale, well it seriously fucked me up!

And that's one post for today... Just to get you started. I'll try and post on here as much as I can, to get stuff out... Though I highly doubt anyone will actually read this!