You'd like to think when you get older, you grow up! To fit your age and become mature... Not the case for all!!! I'm living with a adolescent mother!!! Its not enjoyable - There i am, younger... Being the adult and shes just getting on my tits, bulling me and talking behind my back (when i can STILL hear her) like a pathetic school child!!! I've tried to explain that she needs to talk it out with me like a normal human, but she just wants her own way - all the time!!
I have anger issues, you know, to add to all the other fucked up things in my head. And when something happens to make me mad, its crazy. I have Bipolar, so when I'm happy its okay, and sometimes I can fake it, the happiness i mean. But the lows are hard to shake and to fake happy. Sometimes it's just too much.
My doctor/shrink, well they said that I need to have a hobby to keep my hands busy and when they asked me what mine were, I couldn't think... I don't really have any. So I just said Ruben, who was my rat at the time. I'd get him out every time I was sad or angry, and he would cheer me up. It did really work. I'd think of him and it would calm me, so when he passed it ruined a lot of my progress. So that's why I got Dylan and Tyson, my two dumbo rats. Not to replace Ruben (because that's impossible) but to help me out again. But it's crazy, the tiniest thing can happen to trigger me to get so angry, I'd want to lash out at whoever was there! And that's a dangerous thing. I never used to have anything to calm myself, Now though, I have sort of little steps. Depending on how bad a feel would depend on how many I would do. These are just some:
1. Leave the room - Just go, don't get angry and yell, as that only makes it worse.
2. Get Dylan and Tyson out. They are so small and fragile, they calm me down because I get worried I'd hurt them.
3. Text my friends - Text whatever, a stupid question. Just something that would get a response, to take my mind off of everything.
4. Put on "Girl, Interrupted" It's such a beautiful film. Looking into the lives of people who I guess, feel the same as me sometimes. One bit i love (out of many) is when Valarie asks Susana what she would have said to Daisy, she replies:
"That I was sorry. That I would never understand what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you cant. How you hurt yourself on the outside... To try and kill the thing on the inside. - How the hell am I supposed to get better if I don't understand my disease."
She explains it so well, and then Val says:
"I think what you got to do is put it down, put it away, put it in your notebook. But get it outta yourself. Away, so you cant curl up with it anymore."
And then I grab a pen. And I write. Because she's right, if you don't get it out, it eats away at you. So I either write it in a book, or on this blog. It's good to get thoughts out, because I forget. So reading it back can be interesting. I learn something about myself everyday.
"Crazy isn't bring broken, or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me. Amplified!"
I love Girl, Interrupted. It makes sense to me... Is that a good or bad thing? x