Thursday, 6 January 2011

Crappy New Year...

2011 is here, and OH how i wish it wasn't!
Right this is the place I have to vent right? So vent I shall!!! I'm really not bothered anymore about who reads this because I'm the kinda person if i can write something about someone, i can say it to their face... Unlike some people I know.
Sooooo. This year is looking to be full of shit!!! So close the the end of last year I realised that so much had gone wrong in my life and it would almost be near impossible to fix it!
I lost an uncle I barely knew to a heart attack and it got me thinking, I am NOT close to my family at all. And of course it being December, Christmas is a time for family. So it doesn't help that my family is broken! Which sucks!
Since the break up of my mum and dad my family has never been the same. I don't really ever see them. My dad lives in Bristol with his new girlfriend. I live with my mum and one of my brothers. Sometimes both when his down from uni. When we were all happy families Christmas was awesome. Christmas eve we'd watch telly and go to bed early. Wake up super early and open presents. Then go see Gran and Grandad on my Dad's side. We'd see those aunts and uncles. Then Boxing Day Mum's Step Mum and Dad would come over. It was good.
Then I turned 11 and my Mum's Dad, Grandad Bill, well he died of cancer. That was hard. And then when I was 14 my Dad's Dad, Grandad Donald, died. With that my Dad started acting different. And sadly started having an affair with my next door neighbour, she's a french whore and I hate her! Moving on.......... So yeah, I found out about that:
I remember me and my Dad had the same phone, and my phone went off... So I read the message..... It WASN'T my phone and what I read still haunts me to this day. I remember running to church in tears to show my Mum the text, (i had sent it to my phone....)
I was 14/15!
So they got divorced. It was messy. So I kinda went into my little shell. Didn't really have a lot of friends, I got bullied but I didn't want to talk about my problems so I just took it. Yeah it was upsetting that I had a lot to deal with and no one was really there. But I'm a stronger person because of it. When I got to sixth form anyone who used to know me will admit I changed a lot. I thought fuck it. Probably wrote that here before. So I wont go into it. But I actually made friends.
My family was kinda messy throughout the years, no one really spoke to each other. But it ALL fell apart for me on my 18th birthday.
You see 2 days before my birthday my Aunt called (my dad's older sister) seeing when I wanted her to come over. But my Mum was yelling at me so I yelled at her, my Mum - not my Aunt. My Aunt got angry and hung up. On my 18th birthday my Gran (Dad's mum) called me, what I thought was to say happy birthday but she was very short with me. She asked if my Aunt had come over and I said she apparently was busy and couldn't make it.
Gran then proceeded to tell me that my Aunt wasn't coming round because I had yelled at her and really upset her. She then also told me that if I hadn't been so nosey my Mum and Dad would still be together and that I was a "Devil Child" among other things, I just don't want to repeat. Upsetting things basically. So it's safe to say that she hates me and that she ruined my birthday. Ever since that year I haven't spoken to her or my Aunt properly.
So that was 6 years ago. Hadn't had a Christmas with my Dad. So my brothers and I went and spent Christmas with our Dad in Bristol. Which was nice, and then when he was taking us back he took me and Gavin (my eldest brother) to see our Gran for a bit. It was AWKWARD! She really still doesn't like me, I'll live. It's just sad... I'm her only Gran daughter and she wont ever take the time to know me. It's her loss.
And then there's Nanny, I love Nanny!! She's the sweetest, but when my Grandad died I couldn't face going to her house as I always sat on his lap. I didn't want to cry infront of her, I knew it would upset her. But then, she must get lonely, so that's sad as well. I'm scared to risk it. However, Nanny came over for dinner on Sunday, which was nice. Was good seeing her. It's been too long.
So with this being a new year I think I should try and make the effort to see my family, even though they don't make an effort with me. But they're the only family I have. It's upsetting for me going to friends houses and them being so close to their family.
I know more things about my friends families than I do about my own....
Soooo, crappy new year.... I really don't think I wrote what I meant to write... I just went on a tangent, never mind! x