Monday, 29 March 2010

I must be dreaming...

I was at the park the other day, looking at the ponds, watching the ducks float on by gracefully... Then I noticed a little lonely grey cygnet. Bobbing along the ripples of the water. It seemed all manor of pond life swam by him, not taking any notice. He was crying. Looking for something. But everything just seemed uninterested.. Because he was uninteresting. But as i gaze up and look along the gammy bird I spot a beautiful white Swan. He stretches out his stunning ploomage and glides towards the baby. They sit side by side, looking magnificent... Years have past, and that once so tiny, strange looking bird sits beside the Swan, mirroring his same beauty!
I turn away and I'm in bed once more. So... randomly - An Ugly Duckling Dream. Great, and what does this one mean? That i feel as if I am that strange looking creature, unsure that I will also turn into a Swan. See I'm not so sure that's the reason....

Sure, Swans are stunning, pure white, long necked, wide wings... And when they fly its breath taking!! But they are evil bastards! You see the tiny cygnet, so cute and dopey! And the protective mum, sure shes beautiful and looking out for her young, but sooo stuck up! When they are young there is still a certain charm to them. I love them, they are adorable, strange, weird, but strangely quirky and fascinating! They come to terms being different, but then they grow up and become beautiful and it all goes to their heads, they're like - "Yeah who's the ugly duckling now!" Thinking its ok to pick on the ones who had picked on them before. Sure they can change their beauty, but if should have to change their personalities... Its like Pokemon! (lol yes... Ive gone there... like a freak) They can evolve and reach the higher level, but they shouldn't change, they should just adapt!
I wouldn't want to become a Swan, and i haven't. Its not that I don't wish to be beautiful... I do, I really do! But I'd worry it would change my head. I would never want to become one of the bullies who had tormented me through all my years of school. Ive adapted and evolved into an adult... Without having to change who i am!
Plus, if I had become a Swan, I would have become a clone, just like everyone else. Sure I'd be beautiful... But then I wouldn't be different, I'd be just another Swan. Yes they are stunning, but give me a lamentation of Swans and one Cygnet.... You tell me who you notice first!

This song is now stuck in my head, it was playing as I was in my dreamy pond land!

Friday, 19 March 2010

Love or Money?

Okay, so I was asked the simple question today of if i had the choice. Would i go for money.. or love?
My friend said Love, and I said money, which i think she found a bit odd? But the thing is, love isn't really for me?! I feel like love is perhaps.. More of a word and less of a reality. Now I think that most people would go for the Love angle of things... Me, not so much. As much as people go on about love in songs and books and poems. I feel maybe its gone on about too much! And in consequence of this the word loses its meaning becomes just another over-used word in our vocabulary and loses the emotional meaning people have attached to it.
We've been brought up in life thinking that what we are aiming for is to find love, i don't want to say that i don't believe in it, but all I'm saying is I've never seen a healthy, loving relationship stay the way it was intended. For what i have witnessed, love is a rumor. A myth. A dream. A wish for something that isn't just yours to hold. Because with love, its gotta be two way-ed. Without the love of the thing our loving, your left without love! If your giving what you have in your heart and not receiving it, your in turn left with a hole.
I know it was a simple question, but with me - nothing is simple. I over analyze everything to come up with what I feel would be a perfect answer! Its how i did well in English GCSE's. Maybe, or I'm just good at bullshitting my way through things. So anyway. I'm going to look at love, maybe it would change my mind.

On the science/phsycology side of love, "Love" is the chemical reaction in your brain. The emotion we have attached to love in our brain, isn't love. It feels like love, but its just natures way of helping us carry on our genes. The chemicals related to love are just the same as they are in lust. Hence why I've never believed in love at first sight, as its lust. How can you fall in love with someone you don't even know. The chemicals in your brain sense the attraction, sense the good genes in the good looks and release a sex driven hormone... testosterone or oestrogen. Oestrogen in females gives off feeling they are in love, where as with testosterone in the male its more of a sex drive. This is why woman tend to fall in love more easily, feeling with their heart and not thinking with their brain/penis!
Helen Fisher explained that there were 3 stages of 'Love": lust, attraction and attachment.
Lust... easy to explain, feeling the need or the wanting to sleep with the other person!
Attraction, also simple, finding them attractive. But also, having the chemicals adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin, being released. Adrenaline would be the increase in blood. So if your falling for someone you'd get the sudden rush of a heart beat, lose in breath and sweating. Dopamine is likened to Cocaine, in which the user experiences a rush of pleasure. And then Serotonin which is important and explains why when you feel your in love your love interest can keep popping into your head. So its what the other person looks like that can release these reactions.
The last stage is Attachment. Its the bond that the two people share which means they could stay together and raise a family. It also includes two chemicals, oxytocin and vasopressin. Whats interesting about this is that these two chemicals are realised during orgasms. Sex deepens the feelings of attachment and makes couples feel much closer to each other, and its been studied that the more a couple have sex, the closer they become. So this vital part of falling in love, is due to sex. Therefore... due to lust.
All these chemicals could also explain the pain we feel when a "love" is lost, because we've had so much of the emotion and so more of the chemicals are used and then subsequently lost! So Love Sick, could be a real killer.
Professor Arthur Arun did a study on falling in love, he asked his subjects to carry out these 3 steps:
  • Find a complete stranger.

  • Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.

  • Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes

After he found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34 minute experiment. Two of his subjects even later got married.

Overall love is fleeting, its emotional, and emotions can change everyday. Given a bad situation, the fleeting feeling is lost. You can love someone, but that's different to actually being in love with someone.
I'm not saying that i cant love, or that I'm incapable of it... but the love that people for years have been going on about... Its not the real love that we should feel. Love is a drug, a cocktail of emotion in which anyone can take a sip. But not everyone can become love-drunk as you need the other persons affection, which you don't always receive. The chemicals in love are also released from taking drugs.

I do believe in love and I have a form of love for different things. But i get confused as to where the love of a friend would form a relationship and become the love of a partner. And induce Romantic Love, because, the way i see it - that's lust. And love would just be the close attachment i would have with my close friends. Without the sex.... And now I've confused myself!!! Totally, bewildered!!! Back to the question....

Given the choice of love or money, for now I'd go with the money, I'm dirt poor, plus I'll always have the love of my friends and family. But as for Romantic love... I've gone without so when i have the money.... There's always lust! =P xx

Thursday, 18 March 2010


You forget sometimes about reasons why your down... And then one thing happens and all the shit comes back!
I want to disappear! I have a migraine of mess in my head and my mum doesn't understand. She doesn't know the first thing about me because shes never once stood back and watched as my life crashes! Because shes too busy with hers. I try to sympathies... but how can i if she wont take the time to get to know her already fucked up daughter!
She moans and complains about whats lacking in her life.
I'm lacking in her life... Because shes pushing me away.
She's pushed me away.

I try to love her, and that's harsh I know. But how can i love the person who brought me into this would of deceit and lies and pain. How can i love her if she wont help it go away. How can i love her, knowing that all i need to hear sometimes is my own mother to say - I love You.
But she doesn't love me, because she doesn't even know who i am. No one does.

Not Even Me.

I want Barry Scott... Or the Cilit Bang to my life. To end everything that is fucked up.
Bang and the dirt is gone...
Bang and the mess is solved...

I thought it time...

That all these things i think in my head... should come out, because its cluttering my mind and i need space for other things.
I want to try really hard to sort out my life and talking about things has always been difficult! Coming from a family kinda lacking in emotion, or the ways of using emotion correctly I've decided to bottle everything up. I started writing a journal, but that still didn't help with the ache of stress on my mind.
Ive been told a problem shared is a problem halved, so i thought it was time that i opened up. Though i don't really know what to say and I'm sorta worried about what people will think. Ive always liked being the strong willed person... The one people go to for advice... But the problem is - they don't really realise.... I'm the one that needs the help. So here i go - finally admitting, Ally Mac has a problem, correction... Many problems!

Same shit, different day? Not always true ya know! Sometimes its the same shit, same day. Different shit, different day. Different shit, same day! All I'm saying is, there are always days.. full of shit! And I'm telling you, its on going in this brain of mine. Shocking... Not really. It's always the 'happier' ones isn't it. Well its no different for me. I just wish I knew why or what the 'shit' was that's constantly bringing me down! I'm sick of thinking of ways to make me happy and coming up with nothing. I mean, talk about depressing. I don't want to have to fabricate reasons to people as to why I am the way I am. Maybe I'm just meant to be an unhappy person. Just "Shit outta luck" seeing as every time things seem to be looking up, two other things go wrong and fall apart. Just to remind me that the world never wants things to go my way. Because, well, that's just unheard of really! Me?! Ally Mac?! Have a good day?... Not in reality! Even dreams show me my life is crap. So you'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm sick of this... I get to a Monday. The start of a brand new week. A repeated week. The only thing I look forward to is the weekend, because i never have anything important going on. So the weekend arrives, then as quickly as it comes, its Morbid Monday again. After doing nothing on the weekend worth saying you forget its two days to five. And I'm stuck in a repetitive, dead-end job with nothing going on.

On Tuesday, it was my birthday. My 21st. Usually i would have been excited, but not so much this year. I went on and on about it - but that was to drum in my own head, to stop feeling sorry for myself and be like any normal person and be happy! A day for me! But all i could think was, I'm 21!! Officially an adult! And what have i done? No, no... Let me think... Oh that's right! Nothing!
I finished school naively thinking life would just fall into place. Because i was comfortable there. I got school. The way everything worked. And then we all hit 18/19. Able to drink and go out. Immaturely become an adult. Start to have responsibilities, but that's the thing, that's it! You don't realise that now your on your own. Everything that happens from after High School is all down to you. No putting your hand up to ask for help, because there is no teacher. You've been taught all that they think you need to know. And i can honestly say, I've been out of school over 3 years now and I have never needed trigonometry or algebra! Why couldn't they teach me how to find and get a proper job, how to drive a car, how to make easy money or how to live and not mearly exist!
21! That's one of the big numbers! Adulthood, I can now drink in America! I can now do everything there is an age limit to! It's depressing because I look at this age and think, what have I done? What can I say I have accomplished... My dad had his 50th birthday on the 4th. In that time he had 3 kids, got married, learnt many instruments, bought a house, a car he could drive, got a job with good pay and that he enjoyed, had an affair, got divorced, broke up with that french skank, moved twice, settled in Bristol with his nice new girlfriend, been in and survived a car accident. And made himself a happy life. I'm sure there are more things he has done and that he wants to do, and will! He doesn't even look 50! My dad has all these things and I don't. I look at what I have and what I lack and notice, that what I lack has a much longer list! I mean, I'm 21 now, I've not had anything really to boast about. When I was little I thought I would have at least made myself something by now... But i don't have anything to really live for. I don't have a dream i wish to make a reality... I'm lacking the drive I had as a kid because I've lost the innocence. Realising that life isn't a fairy tale, well it seriously fucked me up!

And that's one post for today... Just to get you started. I'll try and post on here as much as I can, to get stuff out... Though I highly doubt anyone will actually read this!