Monday, 26 April 2010


Are social animals!! And awesome pets. I know why i have them... Because I need them! My rats give me a sense of being, a reason for living. They are my responsibility, my babies (sounds lame I know). Without me, they would die. So they need me, to feed them, clean them and play with them. But they need me as much as I need them. I need them to comfort me, calm me and love me. And they do!!! People really don't understand rats, and I hate that. They are beautiful creatures. People hang on to the "fact" that it was rats that caused the black plague!! But it wasn't our wild rat!! It was the oriental rat FLEA that came on the back of black rats coming in from boats from around the world. People see Rats as vermin, but they obviously haven't owned one!! They are so tame!!! Hamsters are preferred... Ive had 4 of them, and 3 of them used to bite on occasions! My rats have NEVER bitten me, they are as tame, loyal and as friendly - not to mention as intelligent as dogs!!! Even smarter. I learnt in psychology about Pavlov and his salivating dogs. Basically at the sound of a bell he would feed the dogs, then after that, whenever the bell was sounded the dogs would salivate... Regardless of whether there was food or not. The same study was done with Rats, they were taught to associate a sound with food, but were also allowed to provoke the sound themselves. The researchers found that when the rats produced the sound themselves they didn't go to look for food. Thus, it is clear that they understood that food is not necessarily associated with the sound. And if they had caused the sound, it was obvious to them that food would not be available - because they weren't the cause behind the distribution of food. I love rats!!

I feel like if i went missing, my family and friends would really notice my disappearance for a couple of days... If at all!! They don't really depend on me... And don't really have much affection to me, if they do they don't show it very well. For example: On my birthday many people said they would come... and they didn't. It made me sad, but i didn't let it show. And then yesterday i arranged to meet some of my friends i haven't seen in ages at least 10 people said they were totally up for it. But when i messaged/rung to see when and where we should meet - literally NO-ONE picked up - which was upsetting. And then there's even my family. I woke up the other morning and over heard my mum and brother bitching about me, seriously! My own mother backstabbing me!!! And it hurt so much, i wanted to break down right there, but again - i pretended to not care. However... If I were to vanish... Dylan and Tyson wouldn't survive!!!

A while back I thought about taking my own life. And in all honesty, the thing that stopped me... The one thing that plagued my thoughts and stopped me from doing something stupid, was Ruben. Ruben was my albino rat. And the thought of him suffering because of my selfishness brought me to tears, and as you can see; I didn't do it. When he died, a part of me thought about it again, and I went off the rails quite badly. Drinking, smoking, taking drugs. But it was all to take my mind off of it. After a while I got Dylan and Tyson to stop myself from going back to that place in my head. I haven't killed it - Its still there... Just I try not to think of it.

I've heard people talking about suicide and cutting themselves for a long time, and seen people doing it. Most of the time (and no offense, this isn't what i think of everyone) but most of the time i find its selfish, self absorbed people that do it! The people that just don't listen to what anyone has to say, to help them out. I feel like most only do it for attention, the emos of the world. When I see people with the scars on their wrists I don't judge, I pity. They have done it were everyone can see though... And that's SO not the point....
Ive seen people talking about suicide on facebook recently. And this just makes me so angry!! Its pathetic, I'm sorry, but it is. There are so many ways for someone to get through this feeling, but this particular person just DOESN'T listen, no matter how many people are there for you. But then again shes putting it on facebook, because she knows she isn't going to do it - no matter how much I'm there for her and how much i talk her out of it - the moment I'm not there or haven't spoken to her to "check up on her" shes at it again. Cutting herself and moaning. I get no where and she isn't my responsibility! As i said, shes not going to do it - because if she was, she wouldn't be putting it on her status' she'd be doing it! She hasn't got the courage to push down, so shes putting it up for someone to talk her out of it so she can get it off her mind and let the fear and realisation set in. All its going to take is someone she really cares for to push her buttons, but they wont do it. Shes being stupid! Plus she has no real reason to do it - just things aren't going her way at the moment.
However, some people are hurting themselves for a reason though (there should never be a reason, but sometimes there is). You're/They're hurting on the inside. And you cant seem to fix it. So you cut yourself on the outside. You see the pain, you feel it, its a weird release... But you can also see it heal. I guess its a way of your body trying to tell you, things will get better!

Depression, it takes it toll. And doctors tried to put me on medication for it. It didn't leave, it still hasn't. But I decided not to go down that route! Ill only become dependant on something that deals with the symptoms and not the cause. so at the end of the day - nothings getting sorted, my serotonin's are just lying to me!! I've already got that sorted, I fake a smile everyday and on my own I'm trying to sort things out.
I'm going to admit it - I'm lonely, sad, scared, confused, depressed, and a hell of a lot more emotions mixed up! And it's not going to change. I've tried... but alas - no change!
It doesn't matter though.... Because you'll never tell! This fake smile is fixed. I've become too good at it - Its my savior and my curse!!
It get on with my life with out dragging people into my deep and sad abyss! So if you read this, don't call me anymore... Ive tried to help you as much as I can, but you calling me at stupid o'clock in the morning telling me your going to TRY kill yourself... Again... Isn't doing any of us any good. I'm not going to tell you to stop and your dragging me under with you! It's just not going to happen really is it - So let it go! And let me go too! I can no longer deal with you!!!
I've given up on you, as well as me!

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Get me out of here...

I think everyone at work would agree that I'm a tad loopy, mad, strange... Eccentric has been said once or twice. Basically I'm just different from my other colleges. And I love that. I have a different way with dealing with things. Plus work is dull, so its good to liven it up a bit.
See when I started at BHS, I was really shy... I know right!! But no-one really spoke to me. So I just got on with the jobs given to me in silence. It was sad. Then one day Charlotte asked for help. So I thought great. My time to shine... Or fail. I thought if I didn't show myself now I would be stuck in this shy shell, just like I was at school. Granted for a little while people thought I was strange, but then they got used to the fact that it was just me, then they accepted me.
This meant that when new people start, I always speak to them, crack jokes. Just be welcoming really. Show them what i wasn't shown, greet them how I would have wanted to be greeted. It a good trick, this is why I'm so close to the younger work staff. I'm told they look up to me, but they get on with me and I love that. I also love the fact that most of them would rather come to me for help rather than a manager! It's annoying because I don't have a 600 number, which is stupid because unlike others (not being rude) I can actually work on every department. Plus in the week I'm the only one that can do web orders. So I need that number to access things. But they keep giving me bullshitty reasons as to why they wont give me one. But fuck it. Not like I want to be working there any longer than i have to anyway. I want to leave A.S.A.P.
One thing I love about being "Crazy Ally" is the things I used to... and sometimes still get away with. Like I'm late sometimes, I wear crazy make up, odd socks. Plus when the regional manager Mark comes in, everyone gets a bit worried and on edge. Me on the other hand can relax. Due to our first meeting... I was in a world of my own, recovering the shoes and I heard someone behind me. I thought it was the manager at the time, Wendy. Who I happened to get on very well with, so I spun around and literally said:
"Well howdy doodey!"
It was so embarrassing, but luckily he smiled and said:
"Why hello there, how lovely to see a smiling face. And whats your name?"
And since then every time he comes in he looks for me and we have a little chat. There's method in my madness you could say.
The thing is, I may be different, but the customers like me. And I have a touch of ADHD, so I need to find ways to entertain myself. I have different ways.... Sometimes I give myself a different life, I can lie to the customers.. Say i have such an elaborate life! Lol. I get really chatty with some of them, they find out things about me and I find things out about them. Today I asked two of my customers to draw me pictures, and they did!!! One drew me an elephant and another drew me Tweetybird. It made me laugh. Sometimes I tell them random facts, I only know things about animals really - So it would be really random like: Did you know the male duck billed platypus is venomous!! They don't mind, or they ignore me most of the time though. Me and Hayleigh once dared each other to add in words, I told her to say ice-cube to her next customer and she told me to say platypus (that's where the random facts started) I dance... I sing - I entertain. Some customers go along with and some let it go over their heads. But that's it - I'm like able. However, I do get some arsey, bitchy, horrid customers. Like one customer said she had put something on hold, she didn't tell me what it was, what colour, blah blah... And long story short, in all my politeness - She called me a fat fucking cunt!! Yeah... She was rude!

But right now, I'm frikking stressed!!! Most of the people at work think I'm a slacker or something, and that I just chat and don't work. But what they don't understand is that I'm easily distracted, so I talk to keep my mind on the task. They only seem to see me chatting and not noticing that I'm working as I'm talking!! And when they think I'm messing about, I have excellent customer services!!! Customers like me, I have customers that only come to me, people that call me for help - Customers know me by name! I may look like I'm chatting... But they cant do everything I do. I've worked everywhere in that store. Fashions, Kids, Men's, Lighting, Home EVEN the bloody Coffee shop! I can do web ordering, I take time to make things perfect. PLUS I went in that bloody dog suit to promote our store all the bloody time! It seems all I get is them making me run around, they laugh at me and then I hear them talking behind my back.
I can understand where they are coming from some of the time, but come on!! There is no need to stab me in the back, I seem to get enough of that with my friends and family! Let alone my bloody work colleges... So yeah - FUCK OFF!!!
Errrgh, I wanna leave so bad = (

Monday, 19 April 2010

Deluded Hopes

Stop plaguing my thoughts
Haunting my dreams
Deluding my hopes
Muffling my screams

I lost you once...
That should have been it
But you had more of a hold
Within your lack to commit

Please leave my head
Take with you the pain
Loosen your grip
Relieve this mental strain

With just one message
You tore everything apart
Without even seeing you
You spat on my heart.

You crept in... invisible
With the anti-Midas touch
Ruining this one something
That to me, meant too much!

With my eyes wide open
I still cannot see
Your selfishness clouds my vision
And has blinded me!

So get outta my thoughts
Let me live my own dreams
With this instrument i hope
To find peace with your screams!

Just a girl, Interupted...

You'd like to think when you get older, you grow up! To fit your age and become mature... Not the case for all!!! I'm living with a adolescent mother!!! Its not enjoyable - There i am, younger... Being the adult and shes just getting on my tits, bulling me and talking behind my back (when i can STILL hear her) like a pathetic school child!!! I've tried to explain that she needs to talk it out with me like a normal human, but she just wants her own way - all the time!!

I have anger issues, you know, to add to all the other fucked up things in my head. And when something happens to make me mad, its crazy. I have Bipolar, so when I'm happy its okay, and sometimes I can fake it, the happiness i mean. But the lows are hard to shake and to fake happy. Sometimes it's just too much.
My doctor/shrink, well they said that I need to have a hobby to keep my hands busy and when they asked me what mine were, I couldn't think... I don't really have any. So I just said Ruben, who was my rat at the time. I'd get him out every time I was sad or angry, and he would cheer me up. It did really work. I'd think of him and it would calm me, so when he passed it ruined a lot of my progress. So that's why I got Dylan and Tyson, my two dumbo rats. Not to replace Ruben (because that's impossible) but to help me out again. But it's crazy, the tiniest thing can happen to trigger me to get so angry, I'd want to lash out at whoever was there! And that's a dangerous thing. I never used to have anything to calm myself, Now though, I have sort of little steps. Depending on how bad a feel would depend on how many I would do. These are just some:

1. Leave the room - Just go, don't get angry and yell, as that only makes it worse.

2. Get Dylan and Tyson out. They are so small and fragile, they calm me down because I get worried I'd hurt them.

3. Text my friends - Text whatever, a stupid question. Just something that would get a response, to take my mind off of everything.

4. Put on "Girl, Interrupted" It's such a beautiful film. Looking into the lives of people who I guess, feel the same as me sometimes. One bit i love (out of many) is when Valarie asks Susana what she would have said to Daisy, she replies:
"That I was sorry. That I would never understand what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you cant. How you hurt yourself on the outside... To try and kill the thing on the inside. - How the hell am I supposed to get better if I don't understand my disease."
She explains it so well, and then Val says:
"I think what you got to do is put it down, put it away, put it in your notebook. But get it outta yourself. Away, so you cant curl up with it anymore."

And then I grab a pen. And I write. Because she's right, if you don't get it out, it eats away at you. So I either write it in a book, or on this blog. It's good to get thoughts out, because I forget. So reading it back can be interesting. I learn something about myself everyday.
"Crazy isn't bring broken, or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me. Amplified!"
I love Girl, Interrupted. It makes sense to me... Is that a good or bad thing? x

Dare To Be Different Part 2 (Tues 13/04/10)

When I look at celebrities, I hate to see that people follow the trends of the unhealthy ones such as Victoria Beckham and Paris Hilton. Leading to anorexia and drug habits. But then I am happy to see people like David Bowie, Bjork and Lady Gaga in the public eye. People with a difference, people that dont follow a strick norm!!!
I find Lady Gaga incredible and a big inspiration, she's beautiful and not afraid to be different. Plus she does it because - that's who she is! She doesn't care about the media spotlight (okay she does because she has a huge obsession with fame) but she wears the clothing because fashion, and uniqueness is what interests her. She's showing children that are going through what i may have gone through and what she went through, that's its actually okay to let out you inner freak... Because - There's one in many people, and we should be afraid to let it out. Why should we be afraid? Because people will bully us... Well fuck that? Where the hell will they get in life... Nowhere - Have some bloody creativity!!
I wish there was someone eccentric to look up to when I went through that stage. She may be crazy - but i think shes a fantastic role model, granted i wouldn't wear a lot of the things she does. But she doesn't necessarily do it to be provocative. She wears items from designers like: Versace, Alexander McQueen and Vivienne Westwood. But she also creates her own. She does it for an artistic affect. And its beautiful, and creative. Art is subjective after all, so not everyone gets it. And as I've mentioned him, I must say, the death of Alexander McQueen came as a great shock to me. He was a man not afraid to dare to be different. And his creations were amazing!!! With all his dramatic designs, its not a surprise that he won the British Designer of the Year award. Luckily we still have people like Vivienne Westwood, Tarina Tarantino and Betsey Johnson... Who i LOVE!!!

So, why conform? Whats the point? Don't fear things that are peculiar, strange or different, Embrace it and just accept it. Because, your not the same as everyone else... Think about it more and you with realise, you have differences too!

Dare To Be Different Part 1 (Tues 13/04/10)

I've never understood peoples obsession with wanting to be seen as normal, i mean come on.. What is normal?! Why would so many want to follow a norm?
I've noticed many people have a fear of people, or things that as different. But if we were all the same, well what would be the point - life would be so boring!

I know that I am different from a lot of people. And as a kid i had a difficult time growing up, only because people tended to follow a trend. But I could never see the point, I was seen as weird. I didn't have many friends and I never really felt accepted, and got bullied a lot. Most days I'd sit on my own and live inside my head. Because I knew if I came out and tried to show people who I really was then I would be totally ridiculed for it. So I created a shy, quiet girl, because i felt like that would be more acceptable.
But when it came to growing up and coming to 6th form I thought, Fuck it! I am who I am, and I don't care. And surprisingly the people that I thought would hate me, decided that maybe different wasn't so bad. But that's the thing, there isn't anything wrong with a difference in personality, trend, view or sexuality! Its amazing, that's the beauty of people!
Why should we follow the norm? Why should a person been seen as an outcast just because they choose to say something, wear something or believe something different! We shouldn't have to conform, because that's what makes us individuals, otherwise... Who are we, but clones of each other?

This post had to be cut short... as it did work - ill try to post the rest later x

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

For the best...

So we finally spoke about it. After 2 weeks of weirdness... All the things I wanted to say, he wanted to say. Which was a relief. Yeah it was nice, at the beginning, when no one knew. But then we had that closeness any way. I think we needed this to show us, because our friendship is great. Better than anything we would have as a couple. Plus doing it now and not taking peoples advice who said, "You'll get through it, you just need time." Instead we listened to ourselves, knowing it didn't feel right. Saving what we had, before we made it more complicated to ruin anything.
I feel better about us now... Us being best mates, the good thing is, nothing really changed. Then again I'm not gonna deny that it was a bit of a kick in the face. And I do feel quite crappy right now = ( Some of the things he said really stuck in my head, making me think... I'm always gonna be alone. Because of many things, I don't think I'm really good enough for anyone, especially not him! He deserves someone that knows what they want, someone beautiful, someone not so fucked up and indecisive!!! Someone that gives back all the affection he has. He's awesome and will find someone great, his such a good friend. And although it hurts and it will be weird seeing him with someone else, I want him to be happy! I think, what we didn't realise before was that the feeling we felt when we saw each other with someone else, was fear! The fear of losing our best friend. We just get scared that this new person will replace us. And we confused it with something different. But now we've gone through this, we know that it wont happen. We're too good friends for that! We were fine how we were before. And we are both happier now we are back to normal.
He said something though... "You need to find someone that wants the same thing as you, someone who will feel the same for you..." - Ouch! He said it in a nice way I'm sure, but wow. That stung, I smiled at him and just shook it off. The truth is, I thought he was that person, at the beginning he was all huggy and close and I felt strange, but I tried, but I guess it was too late. I had already pushed him away = ( Plus.... He liked someone else. Someone prettier and better than me, I cant blame him.... Meh. We are fine... But it's made me think... What am I looking for?
I thought that being with him would make me change my mind about relationships. The fact that he is my best mate, so he already knew what I was like, but no, I think that made it worse. I just get so confused and freak out in those situations. I'm not used to that sort of attention and I don't think I will. I did try. But I'm not sure man. My family has never really been into the whole affection/lovey side of things, so it's something I'll have to learn to live with and get used to. If I can show adoration to friends, I should for a partner.
I guess the divorce of my parents poisoned my mind when looking at relationships working. I have commitment, trust and many other issues that just get in the way of me being happy. Because I tend to muck everything up. It's stupid because I shouldn't really look at failed relationships to determine my own fate. Everyone is different after all. But mine haven't been much better, I've never really had a proper boyfriend/girlfriend. I just push people away, because I think it would be easier. And I never make the first move, in fear of rejection. So I'm really not going to get anywhere! It's something I've got to get used to. (But i guess how can i do that if I'm too scared to try!!??). Yeah it's sad and makes me feel depressed, but if I don't get my hopes up for anything, then I wont be disappointed when it never works out..... But then I guess that means, I'm constantly disappointed... I'm living a lose lose situation!!!
I've not turned into a slut or anything (I could never get that many guys lol).. But I've turned into someone that will like another person for the shortest time! That way i suppose I don't get emotionally attached, which is why I find it easy to just pull a stranger because they don't know who i am, so its easier to just walk away before getting hurt. That doesn't make me a slag! Just a social Moth (I'm not pretty enough to be a butterfly!) and I'm a Relationship Retard!!
He said I get lots of people after me. But he doesn't get it... They never look past what they see, and all the see are big boobs. If I didn't have them, people/guys wouldn't take a second look at me. They don't notice the personality and if it came to the over-all me, all they would see is an ugly, fat moose! I fake the confidence I think I need and wear low cut tops. That way people ignore the ugly face above them. Then i guess that just means I'm getting attention from the wrong sort. But then I'm too scared to look for anything serious, so it works both ways.
I still don't really have anyone interested, just random drunk idiots... I wish I did. It's just another thing I need to stick in my ever growing shit past and move on. Pretending I'm fine...
I'm fine...?

Monday, 5 April 2010

Ring ring....

.... Ring Ring...
Hello!!! It's the past calling, thought I'd call and say - "FUCK YOU!!"... Yeah that's right, I'M STILL HERE!! And you cant forget me. You cant change what has happened, and no matter how you try and make your self feel better... I'm gonna come back and bite you in the arse and say.. "No, fuck that, I OWN YOU!"

Yeeeeeeeeah, been on of those days, already... It's past 1:00am on Tuesday... and already i feel like I wanna jump into a Parana invested sea!
I thought this was going to be the point in my life where i would be super happy and things would look up. But as i said - once one thing goes right, more things fuck up.... My brain is fuzzy and i have so much i want to write, but i literally cant make it flow into coherent sentences!!
I'm going to hang up on my past right now, because I need to sleep. Even though that wont help... Because:
1. My subconscious bullies me to the point i wake up in tears because of the nightmares that make no sense!
And 2... The past has me on speed dial!!
It WILL call me again....

Innocent Imagenation

I miss the drive i used to have as a kid. I used to want to be so many different things. And I'm sure i could have been anything. A vet, a singer, an actress... A writer. But i guess in growing up something stopped me from trying to achieve anything, it wasn't that i got lazy. But the fact that too many people told me i couldn't. And that just sucks.
I used to write all these little stories and poems. And for a younger girl they were so good (not boasting or anything) I was so descriptive and my imagination was so creative. Over active brain i guess. But someone told me that it was lame. So i didn't stop but i kept it to myself. Afraid and embarrassed to tell people because i didn't want them to laugh at me. I'm even embarrassed writing this... A blog - an emo thing? Not really. Its a place where i can read my thoughts. Because with out writing them down i get confused and go off on tangents in the twisted path ways of my mind and forget what i was meant to be trying to sort out. Because there's alot of crap floating on up there.
But i was looking through my room yesterday and i came cross a folder, full of stories and poems from years ago - some were rubbish and made me cringe! But others were actually quite good. I stuck to writing poems because they were short. Reading some of the stories, they could have been made longer - but id get another idea and start writing something else, so id either end it stupidly or just not end it at all... leave it hanging - but then if i went back to it id forget where i was going with it.
I guess the drive changed, because i changed. I got older, i didn't grow up - but my surroundings changed. I started going out. My group of friends changed.... The fact that i had friends!! I wrote because, i had no where to be. I escaped into my mind to keep myself company. To be able to become someone i wished i could be - i wrote about who i wanted to be. And then, i guess.... I suddenly became that person.
I worry though, because the things i wrote were so dark and morbid. 7 to 11 year olds or however old i was.... Well shouldn't be writing depressing things like that - but hey, explains why I'm so fucked up now. I miss writing. I found one story about a Raven. It was 18 pages long, A4 - both sides.... so quite long. Not finished. Might try and carry it on as it was a good idea! Writing about the freedom of a lost soul... Yeah, deep stuff for a kid - but with humor... aww i miss younger innocent me. The way i wrote about the killing of a fish was so imaginative - i love it lol, go me.
I also re-read a book on poems, one could have been published in a book in America. But someone told me it was a scam, which broke me - Seeing as it wasn't a scam, someone actually liked my stuff =( Doesn't help that no-one believed in me, because now i cant believe in myself!!!
But... Fuck it, I'll forget about the fear and the embarrassment and show you on here.....

It's called: Fallen Angel
Lets dream of the end,
And start over.
Fall into the night.
Let my blood brand the pavement,
Be part of this city at last.

I silently stand,
My audience watch on.
Feel guilty for all your taunting now?
I’m on the edge… Erg me to jump!

I can’t feel anymore,
I’m lost in my pain.
On the roof, the air is calm.
Count the tears as they drop.

So I’ll diminish with the rain.
I open my eyes.
I’m flying.

I fell for you,
Now I’m falling because of you!

Tell me what you think... Good or bad, i don't mind. Also - if your interested in seeing anymore... I have a whole book full of depressing shit. Lol. x