Monday, 26 April 2010


Are social animals!! And awesome pets. I know why i have them... Because I need them! My rats give me a sense of being, a reason for living. They are my responsibility, my babies (sounds lame I know). Without me, they would die. So they need me, to feed them, clean them and play with them. But they need me as much as I need them. I need them to comfort me, calm me and love me. And they do!!! People really don't understand rats, and I hate that. They are beautiful creatures. People hang on to the "fact" that it was rats that caused the black plague!! But it wasn't our wild rat!! It was the oriental rat FLEA that came on the back of black rats coming in from boats from around the world. People see Rats as vermin, but they obviously haven't owned one!! They are so tame!!! Hamsters are preferred... Ive had 4 of them, and 3 of them used to bite on occasions! My rats have NEVER bitten me, they are as tame, loyal and as friendly - not to mention as intelligent as dogs!!! Even smarter. I learnt in psychology about Pavlov and his salivating dogs. Basically at the sound of a bell he would feed the dogs, then after that, whenever the bell was sounded the dogs would salivate... Regardless of whether there was food or not. The same study was done with Rats, they were taught to associate a sound with food, but were also allowed to provoke the sound themselves. The researchers found that when the rats produced the sound themselves they didn't go to look for food. Thus, it is clear that they understood that food is not necessarily associated with the sound. And if they had caused the sound, it was obvious to them that food would not be available - because they weren't the cause behind the distribution of food. I love rats!!

I feel like if i went missing, my family and friends would really notice my disappearance for a couple of days... If at all!! They don't really depend on me... And don't really have much affection to me, if they do they don't show it very well. For example: On my birthday many people said they would come... and they didn't. It made me sad, but i didn't let it show. And then yesterday i arranged to meet some of my friends i haven't seen in ages at least 10 people said they were totally up for it. But when i messaged/rung to see when and where we should meet - literally NO-ONE picked up - which was upsetting. And then there's even my family. I woke up the other morning and over heard my mum and brother bitching about me, seriously! My own mother backstabbing me!!! And it hurt so much, i wanted to break down right there, but again - i pretended to not care. However... If I were to vanish... Dylan and Tyson wouldn't survive!!!

A while back I thought about taking my own life. And in all honesty, the thing that stopped me... The one thing that plagued my thoughts and stopped me from doing something stupid, was Ruben. Ruben was my albino rat. And the thought of him suffering because of my selfishness brought me to tears, and as you can see; I didn't do it. When he died, a part of me thought about it again, and I went off the rails quite badly. Drinking, smoking, taking drugs. But it was all to take my mind off of it. After a while I got Dylan and Tyson to stop myself from going back to that place in my head. I haven't killed it - Its still there... Just I try not to think of it.

I've heard people talking about suicide and cutting themselves for a long time, and seen people doing it. Most of the time (and no offense, this isn't what i think of everyone) but most of the time i find its selfish, self absorbed people that do it! The people that just don't listen to what anyone has to say, to help them out. I feel like most only do it for attention, the emos of the world. When I see people with the scars on their wrists I don't judge, I pity. They have done it were everyone can see though... And that's SO not the point....
Ive seen people talking about suicide on facebook recently. And this just makes me so angry!! Its pathetic, I'm sorry, but it is. There are so many ways for someone to get through this feeling, but this particular person just DOESN'T listen, no matter how many people are there for you. But then again shes putting it on facebook, because she knows she isn't going to do it - no matter how much I'm there for her and how much i talk her out of it - the moment I'm not there or haven't spoken to her to "check up on her" shes at it again. Cutting herself and moaning. I get no where and she isn't my responsibility! As i said, shes not going to do it - because if she was, she wouldn't be putting it on her status' she'd be doing it! She hasn't got the courage to push down, so shes putting it up for someone to talk her out of it so she can get it off her mind and let the fear and realisation set in. All its going to take is someone she really cares for to push her buttons, but they wont do it. Shes being stupid! Plus she has no real reason to do it - just things aren't going her way at the moment.
However, some people are hurting themselves for a reason though (there should never be a reason, but sometimes there is). You're/They're hurting on the inside. And you cant seem to fix it. So you cut yourself on the outside. You see the pain, you feel it, its a weird release... But you can also see it heal. I guess its a way of your body trying to tell you, things will get better!

Depression, it takes it toll. And doctors tried to put me on medication for it. It didn't leave, it still hasn't. But I decided not to go down that route! Ill only become dependant on something that deals with the symptoms and not the cause. so at the end of the day - nothings getting sorted, my serotonin's are just lying to me!! I've already got that sorted, I fake a smile everyday and on my own I'm trying to sort things out.
I'm going to admit it - I'm lonely, sad, scared, confused, depressed, and a hell of a lot more emotions mixed up! And it's not going to change. I've tried... but alas - no change!
It doesn't matter though.... Because you'll never tell! This fake smile is fixed. I've become too good at it - Its my savior and my curse!!
It get on with my life with out dragging people into my deep and sad abyss! So if you read this, don't call me anymore... Ive tried to help you as much as I can, but you calling me at stupid o'clock in the morning telling me your going to TRY kill yourself... Again... Isn't doing any of us any good. I'm not going to tell you to stop and your dragging me under with you! It's just not going to happen really is it - So let it go! And let me go too! I can no longer deal with you!!!
I've given up on you, as well as me!

No comments:

Post a Comment