Tuesday, 28 September 2010


Respect! I'd love to have it, I love writing and one person who was awesome at writing and gaining was Oscar Wilde!! I LOVE HIM!!!!
For many reasons, he was hilarious, he was married yet he was gay (which he was put on trail for), in looks he really reminds me of Stephen Fry (who i also love), he wrote amazing plays e.g. A woman of no importance and then there is Dorian Gray... Awesome novel, and his only!
So this is a little blog for him and just some of his quotes! He lives on!!

"Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you."

Things we own do not make who we are, they do not define us, and people that define us by those things are shallow and we should have no part with them. Wilde was showing that the things that make you rich in life, make you special is what you have in you heart.

"Most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."
This is so true there are so many things that people begin to regret, like i regret not going to uni and oh my god... so many other things - But I'll never regret my mistakes as i have learnt so much from them! As we all have I'm sure.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. "
This links to the quote above, i learn most from my mistakes more than i learnt at school.... Though education did help - but life and living is the worlds best teacher!

The past is of no importance. The present is of no importance. It is with the future that we have to deal. For the past is what man should not have been. The present is what man ought not to be. The future is what artists are."
No need to comment this... I just agree! Lol.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
This I'm not sure I believe?! I have many guy mates that I haven't had any really strong feelings for... But in Wilde's day its was odd to find a
man and woman just friends.

Lord Illingworth: All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
Mrs. Allonby: No man does. That is his.
I'll leave you with this one, I didn't believe this - I'm not really like my mum, but yesterday I started doing things she does, like snorting when I laugh and spilling food on me. Must stop doing that!

Who are your favorite writers?

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Alison who?

So I seem to be a pretty popular person right? I'm happy, bubbly, friendly, kind... blah blah blah!
And yeah I am, to an extent... That extent = Ally Mac! A nice little persona I created at school, someone I could hide into and people could like, the outward person who doesn't care what people say to me, do to me or think of me.
But the truth is, I do care!!! I fucking care a lot!
I care that I'm having such a hard time at the moment and very limited people are there for me after I've been there for so many of you that have needed somebody!
I care that I invited all the people I know and love and thought knew and loved me to my week 21st celebrations and about 10 people showed! There were 7 fucking events people!
I care that I have shown people I am there by texting them and no one seems to respond!
I care that I sit here crying every night about things I cant control and no one even bothers to check and see I'm still breathing!
I care that I have cared for everyone to the point where I forgot about all my own needs, I push everything aside to help you, and when I'm there needing some one your off the fucking map!
I care a lot!
You.... Everyone, I care!
Caring = feelings, feelings = emotion.. Emotion = heart!
And every time you all forget that I care, that I feel, that I have emotions. You break my heart! I've come to the point where I cant care anymore!
But do you know what I don't care about, the same thing you don't care about.... Me!

That person I created for all of you to feel how I wanted to feel, for you to feel like there is always someone to be there for you, she's gone. She's done caring! I'm not Ally Mac anymore.
I'm back to the person I hate. I'm Alison.
"You seen Alison?"
"Who's Alison?"
Exactly! Who is Alison MacGillivray, the character you all killed off when Ally Mac arrived. The person I tried to kill off, the person I am!
You don't know her, I don't even know her!
You wouldn't want to. She's shy, and scared and full of pain. Pain you all inflicted on her when you forgot to care. When you went on going on with your own lives after you took all you could from her. And you didn't even notice. You still won't I bet.
You can mention Ally Mac. But until I can sort myself out.... She's gone! Alison is back. I'm back to the fat, ugly, no-one that nobody actually cares about. You don't care about me because your not bothering to find out who I am, what's underneath.
I'm not happy, I haven't been for a very long while.
This isn't a cry for help - I just thought it was time people knew that I'm sick of caring and having no-one care back. So many of you say you care, to be nice. And you do nothing about it. I do understand there is a few of you that do care and do help and I thank you.
This may seem like a slap in the face to a lot of you. And usually I would say sorry... but you know what. I'm not sorry - I've been slapped in the face and rejected by a hell of a lot of you and I actually can't stomach it anymore. I'm hurting too much.
Ok fine, emo moment maybe? But its been a long time coming.
Why care when everyone is so selfish! Maybe it's about time I be selfish!
A song by the Cursive - Butcher the Song says: What a day to sever such ugly extremities.
So I'll start to chop away! Delete people I don't text, people I don't know.
Then after a while on facebook... I'll delete the people who just don't care.
Take a look once in a while at the broken girl in front of you, don't wait till she crumbles to finally "care".

Friday, 24 September 2010

Soul Songs

You ever get those songs that just reach into the very heart of you and make you think: "Oh my God that's ME!" I do, and I did today... well every time i here it I laugh because its so me.
Its a song called: The Good That Wont Come Out by Rilo Kiley, who I LOVEEE!! These are the lyrics:

Let's get together and talk about the modern age.
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets
just talking shit about how we're all so upset about the disappearing ground.
As we watch it melt....

It's all of the good that won't come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust,
if we keep shaking them.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.

All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.

Oh, you're almost home.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again.
I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...

Let's talk about all of our friends who lost the war
And all of the novels that had yet to be written about them.

It's all the good that won't come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
Standing here on this frozen lake.

It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake...

Love it!!! And its so me, download Rilo Kiley!! They are awesome and she has a beautiful voice!!! I'll highlight things that are most me:
The 3rd paragraph and this bit - "All the good that won't come out of me and all the stupid lies I hide behind." Don't really need to explain that one. But the best one.
"I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street. You say I choose sadness and it never once has chosen me. Maybe you're right.." It just makes me laugh because that's like me, drunk... a lot and the sadness thing, I guess i have chosen it, because i know if i tried, i could be happy... But i haven't been happy in a very long time, its just the cold harsh truth.... Me and Sadness were meant to be i guess =/

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Work Madness

So I mentioned I had quit my job, long story short the new manager just did not like me. She had been victimising me for a while and to the end of it i couldn't stand it. She had called me up when i had been signed off with depression and said that i needed serious professional help. Then as soon as I came back she decided to come down on me hard.
- Hair: She said my hair wasn't natural. That pissed me off as it is brown at the moment with a panel of black. I suggested she should talk to two of the girls I worked with that had purple and red hair. And if it was the two tone she should look in the mirror as her hair was blonde and brown.

- Make-up: She said she didn't like that it wasn't natural. But the thing was when she spoke to me on the Monday my make up was bold, it was 4 colours. But on the Saturday it wasn't, it was a yellowish brown. So if it was such a problem why wouldn't she have said something on the Monday when it was blue, pink, purple and yellow!

- Tattoos: Right i had two new tattoos which i told my managers I was getting them and she then yelled at me to wear long sleeves, which i them i replied fuck that! As it was like a steam room in there! Then i said if it was going to come to that why hadn't she told all the 9 (maybe more) people to cover theirs up! Including other head people in the store.

- Personality: Now this one hurt the most, she basically said that she didn't like the way i acted and that she didn't like who i was, how i spoke to customers and such. Which is absolute bullshit as she treats the customers like shit and always talks down to them. My handling of customers is correct, I'm polite, kind and i talk to them like they are normal people. So much so that i had regulars that would come in to the store and only want to be served by me - its called good customer service, something she would know nothing about. She had said some rude things i don't really want to put down on here as it will only make me more angry.

So at the end of an hour long argument i basically told her to fuck herself. I don't have a problem with the company, just the store manager. She treated me horribly and i didn't appreciate it. I'm happy to be out of there - though i deeply miss my work colleagues. And the money. Today i had to try and fill out a JSA form, it took two hours and I haven't even finished it yet.... i needed a break lol.
So yeah.... In search for a job - I'm really hoping to find something Ive always wanted to do, like working in a zoo or anything with animals.... Hmmm ill have to think more on that. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

So I realise it's been too long since I wrote on my blog. This is due to many reasons, mainly my lack of Internet. I've had my phone but that only goes onto face book. Shit, so much has happened.
Okay so last time I wrote I had a boyfriend. It was going well I thought. We decided to go out to a club with two of my mates. It was a funny night. So I thought, but the next morning I got the text... "We need to talk!"
Well, we all know that's the dead meat sentence. So he wanted me to meet him after work, but there was no way I was walking to get dumped and then have to walk back home on my own, it's not right.... Right?
So I thought the decent thing to do would be to knock for me, or at least call. But oh no, I get... Another text. That's right, dumped by text! Fuck it. For someone to do that after saying how much I meant to them was just bullshit. But I'm not one to cry... And I don't think I did. I think I had a moment to myself to just breathe, I was so angry.
He said it was because of the trust issues he had which just pissed me right off. I have major trust issues and commitment issues, hence why it took me so long to say yes and go out with him when he asked. He said I was too flirty with everyone. That always bugs me because I'm just being friendly and so many people take it the wrong way. I don't even know when I'm doing it. So he went on holiday to have time to think and when he came back I was told that he had spoken to a few of my friends and they all said the same thing. That I'm not flirting, I'm just being friendly, being myself and that I have every ones best interests at hart - which is true! And he did say that he was sorry and that maybe we should try it again. But I thought it best we didn't.
He's going on about having trust issues, thinks I flirt, so why go back to something that is bound to happen again. He doesn't trust me and that's what relationships are built on. If we don't have that we don't have much to go on.
So forgetting about that shit situation and all the other crap I've been going through, it would be long to go into but it includes:
- Quitting my job at last!
- Losing friends I thought I was close to and
- Major health issues!

I've decided to give up on everything... I'll explain that next time.