Sunday, 26 September 2010

Alison who?

So I seem to be a pretty popular person right? I'm happy, bubbly, friendly, kind... blah blah blah!
And yeah I am, to an extent... That extent = Ally Mac! A nice little persona I created at school, someone I could hide into and people could like, the outward person who doesn't care what people say to me, do to me or think of me.
But the truth is, I do care!!! I fucking care a lot!
I care that I'm having such a hard time at the moment and very limited people are there for me after I've been there for so many of you that have needed somebody!
I care that I invited all the people I know and love and thought knew and loved me to my week 21st celebrations and about 10 people showed! There were 7 fucking events people!
I care that I have shown people I am there by texting them and no one seems to respond!
I care that I sit here crying every night about things I cant control and no one even bothers to check and see I'm still breathing!
I care that I have cared for everyone to the point where I forgot about all my own needs, I push everything aside to help you, and when I'm there needing some one your off the fucking map!
I care a lot!
You.... Everyone, I care!
Caring = feelings, feelings = emotion.. Emotion = heart!
And every time you all forget that I care, that I feel, that I have emotions. You break my heart! I've come to the point where I cant care anymore!
But do you know what I don't care about, the same thing you don't care about.... Me!

That person I created for all of you to feel how I wanted to feel, for you to feel like there is always someone to be there for you, she's gone. She's done caring! I'm not Ally Mac anymore.
I'm back to the person I hate. I'm Alison.
"You seen Alison?"
"Who's Alison?"
Exactly! Who is Alison MacGillivray, the character you all killed off when Ally Mac arrived. The person I tried to kill off, the person I am!
You don't know her, I don't even know her!
You wouldn't want to. She's shy, and scared and full of pain. Pain you all inflicted on her when you forgot to care. When you went on going on with your own lives after you took all you could from her. And you didn't even notice. You still won't I bet.
You can mention Ally Mac. But until I can sort myself out.... She's gone! Alison is back. I'm back to the fat, ugly, no-one that nobody actually cares about. You don't care about me because your not bothering to find out who I am, what's underneath.
I'm not happy, I haven't been for a very long while.
This isn't a cry for help - I just thought it was time people knew that I'm sick of caring and having no-one care back. So many of you say you care, to be nice. And you do nothing about it. I do understand there is a few of you that do care and do help and I thank you.
This may seem like a slap in the face to a lot of you. And usually I would say sorry... but you know what. I'm not sorry - I've been slapped in the face and rejected by a hell of a lot of you and I actually can't stomach it anymore. I'm hurting too much.
Ok fine, emo moment maybe? But its been a long time coming.
Why care when everyone is so selfish! Maybe it's about time I be selfish!
A song by the Cursive - Butcher the Song says: What a day to sever such ugly extremities.
So I'll start to chop away! Delete people I don't text, people I don't know.
Then after a while on facebook... I'll delete the people who just don't care.
Take a look once in a while at the broken girl in front of you, don't wait till she crumbles to finally "care".

1 comment:

  1. I know we haven't talked much but if you ever need anyone to talk to than i'm here :).