Wednesday, 7 April 2010

For the best...

So we finally spoke about it. After 2 weeks of weirdness... All the things I wanted to say, he wanted to say. Which was a relief. Yeah it was nice, at the beginning, when no one knew. But then we had that closeness any way. I think we needed this to show us, because our friendship is great. Better than anything we would have as a couple. Plus doing it now and not taking peoples advice who said, "You'll get through it, you just need time." Instead we listened to ourselves, knowing it didn't feel right. Saving what we had, before we made it more complicated to ruin anything.
I feel better about us now... Us being best mates, the good thing is, nothing really changed. Then again I'm not gonna deny that it was a bit of a kick in the face. And I do feel quite crappy right now = ( Some of the things he said really stuck in my head, making me think... I'm always gonna be alone. Because of many things, I don't think I'm really good enough for anyone, especially not him! He deserves someone that knows what they want, someone beautiful, someone not so fucked up and indecisive!!! Someone that gives back all the affection he has. He's awesome and will find someone great, his such a good friend. And although it hurts and it will be weird seeing him with someone else, I want him to be happy! I think, what we didn't realise before was that the feeling we felt when we saw each other with someone else, was fear! The fear of losing our best friend. We just get scared that this new person will replace us. And we confused it with something different. But now we've gone through this, we know that it wont happen. We're too good friends for that! We were fine how we were before. And we are both happier now we are back to normal.
He said something though... "You need to find someone that wants the same thing as you, someone who will feel the same for you..." - Ouch! He said it in a nice way I'm sure, but wow. That stung, I smiled at him and just shook it off. The truth is, I thought he was that person, at the beginning he was all huggy and close and I felt strange, but I tried, but I guess it was too late. I had already pushed him away = ( Plus.... He liked someone else. Someone prettier and better than me, I cant blame him.... Meh. We are fine... But it's made me think... What am I looking for?
I thought that being with him would make me change my mind about relationships. The fact that he is my best mate, so he already knew what I was like, but no, I think that made it worse. I just get so confused and freak out in those situations. I'm not used to that sort of attention and I don't think I will. I did try. But I'm not sure man. My family has never really been into the whole affection/lovey side of things, so it's something I'll have to learn to live with and get used to. If I can show adoration to friends, I should for a partner.
I guess the divorce of my parents poisoned my mind when looking at relationships working. I have commitment, trust and many other issues that just get in the way of me being happy. Because I tend to muck everything up. It's stupid because I shouldn't really look at failed relationships to determine my own fate. Everyone is different after all. But mine haven't been much better, I've never really had a proper boyfriend/girlfriend. I just push people away, because I think it would be easier. And I never make the first move, in fear of rejection. So I'm really not going to get anywhere! It's something I've got to get used to. (But i guess how can i do that if I'm too scared to try!!??). Yeah it's sad and makes me feel depressed, but if I don't get my hopes up for anything, then I wont be disappointed when it never works out..... But then I guess that means, I'm constantly disappointed... I'm living a lose lose situation!!!
I've not turned into a slut or anything (I could never get that many guys lol).. But I've turned into someone that will like another person for the shortest time! That way i suppose I don't get emotionally attached, which is why I find it easy to just pull a stranger because they don't know who i am, so its easier to just walk away before getting hurt. That doesn't make me a slag! Just a social Moth (I'm not pretty enough to be a butterfly!) and I'm a Relationship Retard!!
He said I get lots of people after me. But he doesn't get it... They never look past what they see, and all the see are big boobs. If I didn't have them, people/guys wouldn't take a second look at me. They don't notice the personality and if it came to the over-all me, all they would see is an ugly, fat moose! I fake the confidence I think I need and wear low cut tops. That way people ignore the ugly face above them. Then i guess that just means I'm getting attention from the wrong sort. But then I'm too scared to look for anything serious, so it works both ways.
I still don't really have anyone interested, just random drunk idiots... I wish I did. It's just another thing I need to stick in my ever growing shit past and move on. Pretending I'm fine...
I'm fine...?

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