Thursday, 18 March 2010

I thought it time...

That all these things i think in my head... should come out, because its cluttering my mind and i need space for other things.
I want to try really hard to sort out my life and talking about things has always been difficult! Coming from a family kinda lacking in emotion, or the ways of using emotion correctly I've decided to bottle everything up. I started writing a journal, but that still didn't help with the ache of stress on my mind.
Ive been told a problem shared is a problem halved, so i thought it was time that i opened up. Though i don't really know what to say and I'm sorta worried about what people will think. Ive always liked being the strong willed person... The one people go to for advice... But the problem is - they don't really realise.... I'm the one that needs the help. So here i go - finally admitting, Ally Mac has a problem, correction... Many problems!

Same shit, different day? Not always true ya know! Sometimes its the same shit, same day. Different shit, different day. Different shit, same day! All I'm saying is, there are always days.. full of shit! And I'm telling you, its on going in this brain of mine. Shocking... Not really. It's always the 'happier' ones isn't it. Well its no different for me. I just wish I knew why or what the 'shit' was that's constantly bringing me down! I'm sick of thinking of ways to make me happy and coming up with nothing. I mean, talk about depressing. I don't want to have to fabricate reasons to people as to why I am the way I am. Maybe I'm just meant to be an unhappy person. Just "Shit outta luck" seeing as every time things seem to be looking up, two other things go wrong and fall apart. Just to remind me that the world never wants things to go my way. Because, well, that's just unheard of really! Me?! Ally Mac?! Have a good day?... Not in reality! Even dreams show me my life is crap. So you'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm sick of this... I get to a Monday. The start of a brand new week. A repeated week. The only thing I look forward to is the weekend, because i never have anything important going on. So the weekend arrives, then as quickly as it comes, its Morbid Monday again. After doing nothing on the weekend worth saying you forget its two days to five. And I'm stuck in a repetitive, dead-end job with nothing going on.

On Tuesday, it was my birthday. My 21st. Usually i would have been excited, but not so much this year. I went on and on about it - but that was to drum in my own head, to stop feeling sorry for myself and be like any normal person and be happy! A day for me! But all i could think was, I'm 21!! Officially an adult! And what have i done? No, no... Let me think... Oh that's right! Nothing!
I finished school naively thinking life would just fall into place. Because i was comfortable there. I got school. The way everything worked. And then we all hit 18/19. Able to drink and go out. Immaturely become an adult. Start to have responsibilities, but that's the thing, that's it! You don't realise that now your on your own. Everything that happens from after High School is all down to you. No putting your hand up to ask for help, because there is no teacher. You've been taught all that they think you need to know. And i can honestly say, I've been out of school over 3 years now and I have never needed trigonometry or algebra! Why couldn't they teach me how to find and get a proper job, how to drive a car, how to make easy money or how to live and not mearly exist!
21! That's one of the big numbers! Adulthood, I can now drink in America! I can now do everything there is an age limit to! It's depressing because I look at this age and think, what have I done? What can I say I have accomplished... My dad had his 50th birthday on the 4th. In that time he had 3 kids, got married, learnt many instruments, bought a house, a car he could drive, got a job with good pay and that he enjoyed, had an affair, got divorced, broke up with that french skank, moved twice, settled in Bristol with his nice new girlfriend, been in and survived a car accident. And made himself a happy life. I'm sure there are more things he has done and that he wants to do, and will! He doesn't even look 50! My dad has all these things and I don't. I look at what I have and what I lack and notice, that what I lack has a much longer list! I mean, I'm 21 now, I've not had anything really to boast about. When I was little I thought I would have at least made myself something by now... But i don't have anything to really live for. I don't have a dream i wish to make a reality... I'm lacking the drive I had as a kid because I've lost the innocence. Realising that life isn't a fairy tale, well it seriously fucked me up!

And that's one post for today... Just to get you started. I'll try and post on here as much as I can, to get stuff out... Though I highly doubt anyone will actually read this!

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