Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Trust me...

.... I do try to be a "normal" girl, whatever normal is these days!

conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

So basically, conformity.... Doing what everyone else does!!! Screw that... I like being different. If we were all the same, what would be the point? In living, in culture, in anything?

So i haven't written on here in a while, good thing? I guess so, been trying to sort out my head. Trying the new antidepressants. Not sure if they are really helping, I've been better.... But i have been worse, improvement? Maybe!
I've also met someone, woot woot right?
Yes, it is a "woot woot" situation. He's awesome! He gets me, he's funny, sweet and we just really clicked..... Feel the "but" coming on?
Yet again I'm finding it difficult to just let go, let my guard down and prepare to be happy. Because he's doing everything right. He is just so nice, I'm scared I'm going to hurt him. I wouldn't want to. But with my lack of ability to commit and trust I worry that I'll become all scatty and flip out at him for no reason. I don't want that to happen. I do like him, admitting that to myself is hard enough. But to let him in is such a big step.... I don't wanna be hurt either.
Not saying he would.
I don't understand what he sees in me, i really don't get how he can like me. And I go over thinking and over analyzing everything to the point where I want to question his motives, which is stupid and pathetic.... Just like me! He likes the fact that I'm not "normal" and the fact that he understands me and gets things I say that most wouldn't is so awesome. But I just want to get attached, and I don't want him to either, because I know what I'm like. I'll freak out and push him away.

So, we've spoke about it. Which is good for a start.... Me talking! About how I ACTUALLY feel.... amazing, I know! and we have decided that we aren't labeling it. "It" being our relationship. This way we wont feel trapped I guess.... Though - I'm pretty sure we are basically going out.
How he is not sick of me yet I have no idea.... Give it time though.
He'll find a flaw in me, one of the many.... And he'll change his mind about how he feels, most do.

Or not..... x

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