Knock it down...

I've had this emotion blocking wall put up for such a long time now... So i thought maybe I should let my guard down for once and try and be happy.
I'm depressed, we all know this. So maybe opening up to people will help me deal with things i have since repressed and tried to forget about - These things don't go away after time... They build up.
Don't I know that! God!!
So, I'm knocking down the wall bit by bit. I'm breathing and I'm coping, so far!
Lets just see how we go ay.
I just don't want to hurt anyone or GET hurt in this process! x

Trust me...

.... I do try to be a "normal" girl, whatever normal is these days!

Normal:

conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

So basically, conformity.... Doing what everyone else does!!! Screw that... I like being different. If we were all the same, what would be the point? In living, in culture, in anything?

So i haven't written on here in a while, good thing? I guess so, been trying to sort out my head. Trying the new antidepressants. Not sure if they are really helping, I've been better.... But i have been worse, improvement? Maybe!
I've also met someone, woot woot right?
Yes, it is a "woot woot" situation. He's awesome! He gets me, he's funny, sweet and we just really clicked..... Feel the "but" coming on?
Yet again I'm finding it difficult to just let go, let my guard down and prepare to be happy. Because he's doing everything right. He is just so nice, I'm scared I'm going to hurt him. I wouldn't want to. But with my lack of ability to commit and trust I worry that I'll become all scatty and flip out at him for no reason. I don't want that to happen. I do like him, admitting that to myself is hard enough. But to let him in is such a big step.... I don't wanna be hurt either.
Not saying he would.
I don't understand what he sees in me, i really don't get how he can like me. And I go over thinking and over analyzing everything to the point where I want to question his motives, which is stupid and pathetic.... Just like me! He likes the fact that I'm not "normal" and the fact that he understands me and gets things I say that most wouldn't is so awesome. But I just want to get attached, and I don't want him to either, because I know what I'm like. I'll freak out and push him away.

So, we've spoke about it. Which is good for a start.... Me talking! About how I ACTUALLY feel.... amazing, I know! and we have decided that we aren't labeling it. "It" being our relationship. This way we wont feel trapped I guess.... Though - I'm pretty sure we are basically going out.
How he is not sick of me yet I have no idea.... Give it time though.
He'll find a flaw in me, one of the many.... And he'll change his mind about how he feels, most do.

Or not..... x

Prozac

Walking down the lanes
And the pathways winding.
With the sun and the breeze,
Old feelings subsiding.
Don't know where I'm going.
I'll forget where I've been.
Living for the moment,
Getting lost in a dream.
I don't understand
Why reality's so tense.
Juggling emotions
That don't make any sense!
So take that pill,
Let serotonin's rise.
Living step by step,
Quit your lonely demise.

Rain Drops

There's something poetic and beautiful about rain
I love it!
Not many people do and I don't understand why.
Its the weather compared to the emotion of being sad, and sometimes, yeah - rain can be sad. But rain is cleansing. It washes away your tears.

We are like rain, our problems are like rain.

Rain falls, but within time it builds up, disappears and goes through changes. And sure enough it will fall again.
But without rain, things wouldn't survive!
Without falling down and falling apart.... We cant get stronger!

I am the rain today!

For now my eyes are raining and my mind is cloudy. I may be breaking down, and there may be a storm inside me,
But with a few changes....
I'm preparing for a sunny day!
So look out for the rainbow, because with all the shit that may go on... Something beautiful can be created.
You've just got to brave the storm and wait for it to pass.
But it will.
It's got to.
= (

Bloody Sort It Out...

Look, you can see you're getting sadder by the day!
So stop bloody sulking and do something about it!
I know you can't actually seem to do anything about it. But you can sort yourself and the things around you!
I realise I'm talking to myself here, but it seems I only listen to the shit people say and none of the things that might actually help me out.
So... I'm going to try and sort myself out. Step by step. And what are these steps?...
I have no idea! I'll make them up as i go along. But it's all leading to a greater me!
I hope.
But this isn't just for me. Some people reading this might be able to do the same steps and help themselves out too!!!

So whats my first step? I'll tell you:
Cleansing!!!
First I'm going to have a looooooooooong relaxing bath, and pamper myself. I'm not a girly girl so i guess this just means a chilled out hot bubble bath!
Then on to my room!! I'm going to try and sort my mess of a room!!!
Hopefully in doing this I will clean a place where I can just chill, my mess is leading to stress. Maybe it could be a symbol... Clearing my space... Clearing my mind of all mess also - Who knows. But it needs to be done, then I can think about decorating it differently. Making it a more positive place. To create a more positive me.
When am I starting....
Now!!!

Lets try and sort my life out, one baby step at a time!!!

Just say it... I'm worthless

Okay, so they are called one night stands for a reason.
You get depressed. You get stupidly drunk, meet someone at a cub and cant think straight so go back to theirs.. It's not good!
You sleep with them whilst drunkenly repeating their name in your head so maybe in your sober yet hungover brain can remember it in the morning! Then there's the awkwardness of waking up and probably asking what-his-face how to get home. And then the awkwardness of finding out whether this was a one night thing or if you will ever see them again. Plus you've slept in your clothes and your make-up and aren't looking as top notch as his beer-goggles had previously seen.
I never ask for their numbers either, I'd then have the catch the name again (i jest) plus you don't wanna look desperate or clingy.... This is where facebook comes in!! They give you their name and you send a friend request.

To it then later on, being ignored...

If you don't want me to add you, don't tell me to!!! I already feel worthless without being rejected on facebook as well. This is why if it happens I never get my hopes up.... Because there's no point, if I don't expect anything in the first place, when I don't get it (because I never do) I'm not any more sad than when I was to beginning. But then I guess that means I'm always disappointed. I don't see the glass as half full or empty, just drink the bloody thing, get pissed - sleep with a stranger to later on get humped and dumped and feel like shit once more.

So a message to the dickheads out there that decide to pretend like they're all nice and funny to get a girl back to theirs:
If that's all you wanted, just say it. If I'm ugly to you, just say it. If your not interested at all, just say it...
Look, I already know. I wake up everyday and see this disgrace in the mirror and tell myself...

Just say it... I'm worthless!

Internal Bruising!

Wow... Ouch!
I didn't know how much this would actually hurt.
I guess I already knew he liked her when we were going out, but still, to me... It was maybe a tad too soon.
To find her standing behind me at a mates party... Totally out of the blue and hearing a mate saying:
"Great to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you!!"
Me, I've heard nothing. So hearing from someone that they have been seeing each other, pretty much straight after we broke up, was a massive kick in the stomach. I was feeling so crappy I literally wanted to be sick, my stomach was turning, my head was spinning... But being me, I did what I always do. I smiled and pretended like it didn't bother me.
I accepted her like I would any other new person. I got to talking to her and shes really nice, really pretty and a generally sweet girl. All was going well and I thought maybe I was over reacting and it would actually be that bad. Unfortunately I thought this all soon. I turned around and they were kissing, right next to me.
My god that added to the internal bruises!!!
That was the point I had to leave, so I had a moment to myself.. An hour!! To try and breathe. And then I spent the most of the night upstairs meeting new people. Was easier to take my mind off things. No-one really questioned me to see if I was okay. I guess because they had seen my talking to her they assumed all was fine. I wanted it to be fine, that's the thing.
But later on I went downstairs and she had gone home. He pulled me aside and said that someone had told him that I was a bit upset about her being there. He didn't think it would be a problem. And why should he? Our break up from a relationship was mutual... Right. And his my best friend.
And so that's how it should be. At the end of the day he is first and for most, my best friend! And not my ex.
Putting aside how I still feel, my best friend is happy and so I'm happy for him.
She's everything I'm not, and that's what he wants and deserves.
I just don't want him to replace me. Although I can already see us slipping.
His sand in my palm and she is the wind. Sweeping him away. And I'm left with nothing....
Dear god!!! That must have been the gayest thing I have ever wrote!!! But it's the only way to explain it for me at the moment.
I want him to be happy... And when I saw him last night, he was.. So that's all I can ask for =)
His moved on... So maybe I will too.

Also, I just want to say thank you to my friends that read this and text me and message me. It means a lot!! It shows you care... I didn't even think anyone would read this!! Its sort of embarrassing! But thank you for showing me you're there! I need that. x