Crappy New Year...

2011 is here, and OH how i wish it wasn't!
Right this is the place I have to vent right? So vent I shall!!! I'm really not bothered anymore about who reads this because I'm the kinda person if i can write something about someone, i can say it to their face... Unlike some people I know.
Sooooo. This year is looking to be full of shit!!! So close the the end of last year I realised that so much had gone wrong in my life and it would almost be near impossible to fix it!
I lost an uncle I barely knew to a heart attack and it got me thinking, I am NOT close to my family at all. And of course it being December, Christmas is a time for family. So it doesn't help that my family is broken! Which sucks!
Since the break up of my mum and dad my family has never been the same. I don't really ever see them. My dad lives in Bristol with his new girlfriend. I live with my mum and one of my brothers. Sometimes both when his down from uni. When we were all happy families Christmas was awesome. Christmas eve we'd watch telly and go to bed early. Wake up super early and open presents. Then go see Gran and Grandad on my Dad's side. We'd see those aunts and uncles. Then Boxing Day Mum's Step Mum and Dad would come over. It was good.
Then I turned 11 and my Mum's Dad, Grandad Bill, well he died of cancer. That was hard. And then when I was 14 my Dad's Dad, Grandad Donald, died. With that my Dad started acting different. And sadly started having an affair with my next door neighbour, she's a french whore and I hate her! Moving on.......... So yeah, I found out about that:
I remember me and my Dad had the same phone, and my phone went off... So I read the message..... It WASN'T my phone and what I read still haunts me to this day. I remember running to church in tears to show my Mum the text, (i had sent it to my phone....)
I was 14/15!
So they got divorced. It was messy. So I kinda went into my little shell. Didn't really have a lot of friends, I got bullied but I didn't want to talk about my problems so I just took it. Yeah it was upsetting that I had a lot to deal with and no one was really there. But I'm a stronger person because of it. When I got to sixth form anyone who used to know me will admit I changed a lot. I thought fuck it. Probably wrote that here before. So I wont go into it. But I actually made friends.
My family was kinda messy throughout the years, no one really spoke to each other. But it ALL fell apart for me on my 18th birthday.
You see 2 days before my birthday my Aunt called (my dad's older sister) seeing when I wanted her to come over. But my Mum was yelling at me so I yelled at her, my Mum - not my Aunt. My Aunt got angry and hung up. On my 18th birthday my Gran (Dad's mum) called me, what I thought was to say happy birthday but she was very short with me. She asked if my Aunt had come over and I said she apparently was busy and couldn't make it.
Gran then proceeded to tell me that my Aunt wasn't coming round because I had yelled at her and really upset her. She then also told me that if I hadn't been so nosey my Mum and Dad would still be together and that I was a "Devil Child" among other things, I just don't want to repeat. Upsetting things basically. So it's safe to say that she hates me and that she ruined my birthday. Ever since that year I haven't spoken to her or my Aunt properly.
So that was 6 years ago. Hadn't had a Christmas with my Dad. So my brothers and I went and spent Christmas with our Dad in Bristol. Which was nice, and then when he was taking us back he took me and Gavin (my eldest brother) to see our Gran for a bit. It was AWKWARD! She really still doesn't like me, I'll live. It's just sad... I'm her only Gran daughter and she wont ever take the time to know me. It's her loss.
And then there's Nanny, I love Nanny!! She's the sweetest, but when my Grandad died I couldn't face going to her house as I always sat on his lap. I didn't want to cry infront of her, I knew it would upset her. But then, she must get lonely, so that's sad as well. I'm scared to risk it. However, Nanny came over for dinner on Sunday, which was nice. Was good seeing her. It's been too long.
So with this being a new year I think I should try and make the effort to see my family, even though they don't make an effort with me. But they're the only family I have. It's upsetting for me going to friends houses and them being so close to their family.
I know more things about my friends families than I do about my own....
Soooo, crappy new year.... I really don't think I wrote what I meant to write... I just went on a tangent, never mind! x

Sentimental Moment

This isn't written about anyone, just something I wish would happen really....
An inner love I wish to find?

Captivated by your eyes,
Mesmerized by your smile.
Then your lips part, and the words you spoke were like a lullaby to my soul.
It now echoes in my head, it's on loop.
All I think about, all I dream of is you.
Your soft hand upon my cheek.
Your embrace pulling me in towards a comfort I would never want to be parted from.
I feel your chest against mine,
Our heart beats in sync.
You stroke my hair behind my ear,
And look deep into my eyes.
Tell me I'm yours.
Say you'll save me.
Whisper you love me...

Wow.... A little girly/gay moment!? Laugh, I'll stab you... (and she's back) x

Written Thought

(I realise this sounds like a sort of poem, but its more like my internal monologue)

Get out of here and get out of you head. Though it's hard to forget, for now push it aside. Have fun, try and find that smile once more, do it for you. No one deserves to feel all this! It's painful and shit. But 'they' say you've got to break before you can begin to heal. But I'm past broken, I think I'm incomplete, because this piece of me, in my hands, on my sleeve, was ready for you to take. But he went off to the arms of another - like they all do.
Now it wont stop bleeding. My heart is refusing to heal.
The misery is numbing me till I feel nothing, but it never really goes, it rushes back with pins and needles stabbing in my chest, I can't breathe!
I wish I could go back to the time I kept my heart closed. Those days when I didn't let my guard down, because all I've ever gotten from doing that is agony.
I'm not saying it was love, I'm saying the process... The time you start to fall. That's when things went wrong for me. Because love is a trap! And I wasn't prepared! You think you'll be immune to it, but you forget - Love is a fucking disease!!
Now I'm falling apart, a girl once so strong - I don't know her anymore. I lost her when I opened up.
I'm sitting here, motionless, drained... Broken. I can't even begin to fix me, I wouldn't know where to start. Can't I just leave my heart and mind? I don't want to think anymore and I definitely don't want to feel anymore. I just want to sleep. But this endless nightmare engulfs me... I wake up and it hasn't gone! It's a living, breathing insomnia because I'm trapped within it, it's becoming me!
So I'll head out with my favorite mask. Let the questions go unanswered, because they never get asked. You'll never ask, you'll never know, you'll never care with this 'smile' across my face. It does hurt to pretend, but they never take the time to see the torment in my eyes.
I hide within this shell that people seem to like. But they know nothing of the real haunted girl inside. I be who they want me to be. If I let go of this persona I have created, I would be alone and that really scares me! But that means I can never truly be loved or be happy till i let the real me through.
Sit. Still. Sob. Silence.
Let it out, let her free, pull her back, put on the mask. Shut up and build that wall back up. Shut yourself in again. Try and forget and carry on as if nothing happened. Then if they ask, I'll reply:
I'm fine.
Begin the lie once more...

Keeping it in...

As someone of, or all of you should know. I'm not one of those people that likes to show emotion, and I'm usually very good at it. I've been a bottler for a very long time, I've had time to practice, it's not healthy and I don't suggest people do it, I've been depressed for over 5 years now and bottling has not helped. Fair enough it's gotten me friends and things like that.... Believe me, if I showed how I was really feeling all the time, people would think twice before coming over to talk to me. That's why I will say that the only thing I'm actually very good at is acting, I've acted happy in front of people for a long time, and I can honestly say I think there are only 2 or 3 people who actually know many private things about me!
So I feel like I need to write things down more, get things out. I would love it if people gave me things to write about. Message me or something.
Right now I have something SO bad going through my mind and I need to take my mind off of it, before I lose it!!! And that wont be pretty. But what? I was thinking a while ago to get on youtube, I have an account and things I'm sure I could rant about. But it could be more embarrassing, no one would watch it.... Just like no one reads this really.
I don't have something interesting to say really do I!!!
Which is why I need you help..... Give me something to do, something to stop me thinking about stuff I would much rather forget, let me start thinking about things you want me to think about, things that interest you!!!

Wildeeee!!!

Respect! I'd love to have it, I love writing and one person who was awesome at writing and gaining was Oscar Wilde!! I LOVE HIM!!!!
For many reasons, he was hilarious, he was married yet he was gay (which he was put on trail for), in looks he really reminds me of Stephen Fry (who i also love), he wrote amazing plays e.g. A woman of no importance and then there is Dorian Gray... Awesome novel, and his only!
So this is a little blog for him and just some of his quotes! He lives on!!

"Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you."
Things we own do not make who we are, they do not define us, and people that define us by those things are shallow and we should have no part with them. Wilde was showing that the things that make you rich in life, make you special is what you have in you heart.

"Most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."
This is so true there are so many things that people begin to regret, like i regret not going to uni and oh my god... so many other things - But I'll never regret my mistakes as i have learnt so much from them! As we all have I'm sure.

"Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. "
This links to the quote above, i learn most from my mistakes more than i learnt at school.... Though education did help - but life and living is the worlds best teacher!

"The past is of no importance. The present is of no importance. It is with the future that we have to deal. For the past is what man should not have been. The present is what man ought not to be. The future is what artists are."
No need to comment this... I just agree! Lol.

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
This I'm not sure I believe?! I have many guy mates that I haven't had any really strong feelings for... But in Wilde's day its was odd to find a man and woman just friends.

"Lord Illingworth: All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
Mrs. Allonby: No man does. That is his. "
I'll leave you with this one, I didn't believe this - I'm not really like my mum, but yesterday I started doing things she does, like snorting when I laugh and spilling food on me. Must stop doing that!

Who are your favorite writers?

Alison who?

So I seem to be a pretty popular person right? I'm happy, bubbly, friendly, kind... blah blah blah!
And yeah I am, to an extent... That extent = Ally Mac! A nice little persona I created at school, someone I could hide into and people could like, the outward person who doesn't care what people say to me, do to me or think of me.
But the truth is, I do care!!! I fucking care a lot!
I care that I'm having such a hard time at the moment and very limited people are there for me after I've been there for so many of you that have needed somebody!
I care that I invited all the people I know and love and thought knew and loved me to my week 21st celebrations and about 10 people showed! There were 7 fucking events people!
I care that I have shown people I am there by texting them and no one seems to respond!
I care that I sit here crying every night about things I cant control and no one even bothers to check and see I'm still breathing!
I care that I have cared for everyone to the point where I forgot about all my own needs, I push everything aside to help you, and when I'm there needing some one your off the fucking map!
I care a lot!
You.... Everyone, I care!
Caring = feelings, feelings = emotion.. Emotion = heart!
And every time you all forget that I care, that I feel, that I have emotions. You break my heart! I've come to the point where I cant care anymore!
But do you know what I don't care about, the same thing you don't care about.... Me!

That person I created for all of you to feel how I wanted to feel, for you to feel like there is always someone to be there for you, she's gone. She's done caring! I'm not Ally Mac anymore.
I'm back to the person I hate. I'm Alison.
"You seen Alison?"
"Who's Alison?"
Exactly! Who is Alison MacGillivray, the character you all killed off when Ally Mac arrived. The person I tried to kill off, the person I am!
You don't know her, I don't even know her!
You wouldn't want to. She's shy, and scared and full of pain. Pain you all inflicted on her when you forgot to care. When you went on going on with your own lives after you took all you could from her. And you didn't even notice. You still won't I bet.
You can mention Ally Mac. But until I can sort myself out.... She's gone! Alison is back. I'm back to the fat, ugly, no-one that nobody actually cares about. You don't care about me because your not bothering to find out who I am, what's underneath.
I'm not happy, I haven't been for a very long while.
This isn't a cry for help - I just thought it was time people knew that I'm sick of caring and having no-one care back. So many of you say you care, to be nice. And you do nothing about it. I do understand there is a few of you that do care and do help and I thank you.
This may seem like a slap in the face to a lot of you. And usually I would say sorry... but you know what. I'm not sorry - I've been slapped in the face and rejected by a hell of a lot of you and I actually can't stomach it anymore. I'm hurting too much.
Ok fine, emo moment maybe? But its been a long time coming.
Why care when everyone is so selfish! Maybe it's about time I be selfish!
A song by the Cursive - Butcher the Song says: What a day to sever such ugly extremities.
So I'll start to chop away! Delete people I don't text, people I don't know.
Then after a while on facebook... I'll delete the people who just don't care.
Take a look once in a while at the broken girl in front of you, don't wait till she crumbles to finally "care".

Soul Songs

You ever get those songs that just reach into the very heart of you and make you think: "Oh my God that's ME!" I do, and I did today... well every time i here it I laugh because its so me.
Its a song called: The Good That Wont Come Out by Rilo Kiley, who I LOVEEE!! These are the lyrics:

Let's get together and talk about the modern age.
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets
just talking shit about how we're all so upset about the disappearing ground.
As we watch it melt....

It's all of the good that won't come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust,
if we keep shaking them.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.

All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.

Oh, you're almost home.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again.
I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...

Let's talk about all of our friends who lost the war
And all of the novels that had yet to be written about them.

It's all the good that won't come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
Standing here on this frozen lake.

It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake...

Love it!!! And its so me, download Rilo Kiley!! They are awesome and she has a beautiful voice!!! I'll highlight things that are most me:
The 3rd paragraph and this bit - "All the good that won't come out of me and all the stupid lies I hide behind." Don't really need to explain that one. But the best one.
"I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street. You say I choose sadness and it never once has chosen me. Maybe you're right.." It just makes me laugh because that's like me, drunk... a lot and the sadness thing, I guess i have chosen it, because i know if i tried, i could be happy... But i haven't been happy in a very long time, its just the cold harsh truth.... Me and Sadness were meant to be i guess =/